"Love Brings Unity" - Part 2
/We resume our discussion on unity by taking a more practical look at oneness. To do so, I will draw heavily on a few excellent resources offered by Family Life.
The Art of Marriage, which is available for viewing on RightNow Media, makes several interesting points. First, society touts the importance of finding the right one in order to achieve oneness and a happy marriage. But the myth of “The One” is not biblical. In “Courtship After Marriage”, Zig Ziglar addresses this by saying that it is possible that you married the wrong person. However, if you treat them like the right person, you could have ended up marrying the right person after all. On the other hand, if you married the right person and treat them wrongly, you could well have ended up marrying the wrong person. Ultimately, it is more important to be the right kind of person than to marry the right person.
Oneness is also about “receiving your spouse”. This is more than accepting them – it means embracing the God-given differences He has built into each of you. And receiving your spouse is a daily choice.
Family Life’s Weekend to Remember explores oneness in even greater detail. Founder Dennis Rainey says, “Oneness in marriage involves complete unity with each other. It’s more than a mere mingling of two humans – it’s a tender merger of body, soul, and spirit.” In examining why marriages fail, they cite five threats to oneness.
1. Difficult adjustments
It is readily apparent that today’s culture does little to encourage couples to make the necessary adjustments to achieve marital oneness. Contrasting backgrounds can bring about difficult adjustments in many areas including work, finances, personal values, religion, family history, past relationships, and painful experiences.
Another contributing factor is that couples often marry based on “superficial motivation”: feelings, sexual attraction, cultural or family pressure, escape, and more. In addition, spouses frequently have differing expectations about marriage in areas such as roles, expression of love, sexual performance, and future plans. All these require major adjustments as the relationship evolves, otherwise oneness is in grave danger.
2. Our culture’s pattern
Culture promotes a “50/50 performance relationship” where each partner only needs to give an amount equal to what they get. Acceptance is based on performance – “You do your part, and I’ll do mine”. This leads to giving based on merit. Affection is only given when one deems that it is deserved and the motivation for action is determined by how one feels.
The 50/50 relationship is harmful to oneness for many reasons:
Our inability to meet unreal expectations
Our tendency to focus on our spouse’s weaknesses
Disappointment in our spouse which affects our behavior
A desire to seek revenge when we have been wronged
The impossibility of knowing if my spouse has met me halfway.
We will look at more threats to oneness next week. Let’s close by summarizing today’s key takeaways:
Oneness is about becoming the right person.
It is about receiving your spouse
We must be aware of threats to oneness and prepared to handle them
God never designed marriage to be a 50/50 performance relationship
Understanding what threatens our marriage is a critical step in achieving oneness.