"Love Endures," Part 2

When challenges arise, love chooses to endure even through the toughest issues. It keeps pursuing and moving forward. And even when it’s rejected, love refuses to give up. That’s because real love doesn’t waffle when it is not received the way we want. It keeps on giving, even if the object of its affection chooses not to accept it. Consider God’s unfailing love – He never stops loving us even when we refuse it.

In his book A Lifelong Love, Gary Thomas includes a chapter titled “Loving Someone Who Doesn‘t Care”. He notes that in some marriages, one person may seem to no longer care or put any effort into their marriage. It may be just for a season, or they may have given up entirely. This can be agonizing for a spouse still seeking to make their marriage work. Gary urges the one making an effort to not “check out”, but instead to continue loving. The Bible doesn’t call us to love only those who will respond in kind. Giving to get is the world’s view of love, not God’s. We are challenged to love out of reverence to God and, in doing so, will receive His comfort.

Gary has additional advice for frustrated spouses. It is important to realize that we, along with our marriages, will never be perfect this side of Heaven, so we should stop trying to fix everything. God is the only one who can bring about meaningful and lasting change, so let Him handle that. A recent Prepare-Enrich article lists “4 Things That Happen When You Stop Trying To Change Each Other”:

1. You appreciate each other more

2. You learn to leverage your differences

3. Your satisfaction gets a boost

4. You grow together

We also need to remember that we don’t have to go it alone, so pray for the will to continue loving well and to do the necessary work. Then, wait quietly and be willing to follow. Always make sure that God is leading you and not the other way around!

With these things in mind, allow me to once again interject Pastor Brian’s advice: “Learn to love your spouse where they are.” People who are always trying to make their marriages “better” rarely feel satisfied. Instead, be thankful for what you have, rather than focusing on what you don’t. Choose to dwell on the positive, however limited or imperfect it may be (see Philippians 4:8).

When love encounters difficult times, it compels us to humbly apologize and take full responsibility for our failures, as well as to fully forgive where our spouse may have failed. Over and over again. Resilient marriages are built on honesty, respect, commitment, forgiveness, and endurance. And love constantly inspires all these things to grow and thrive within us.

So no matter what challenges you are facing, declare that your love is still greater. Accept your spouse as God’s special gift to you and promise to continue loving them. Tell them, “Regardless of what has happened to us in the past, and in spite of our present difficulties, I choose to love you. Now and forever.” Because God’s love never fails, our love endures.

"Love Endures," Part 1

We return once more to 1 Corinthians 13. The first seven verses tell us that we are nothing without love, and also describes the characteristics of what love is and isn’t. All this leads to a declaration in verse 8: “Love never fails.”

Love Dare primarily examines this theme in the context of an overly stressed or failing marriage. If that is your situation, then I once again encourage you to seek pastoral or professional help. But for our purposes, I will assume that this is not the case for the majority of our readers. Nevertheless, almost every marriage, even the healthiest ones, will experience difficult seasons. So this two part message will focus on how unfailing love can help us in these situations.

Let’s consider some helpful material from Bob Lepine’s “Love Like You Mean It”. He begins with an electricity analogy describing how we have grown to depend on it and never expect it to fail. And when it does, we are not happy. Sometimes we view love in a similar way and are disappointed when others fail us. But God’s love never fails and can sustain us even when others fall short. Lamentations 3:22 says, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end.” When we are adopted into God’s family, we are never without His love (see Romans 8:38-38). But God’s love is different than ours. And sadly, our love for Him and others can sometimes runs dry.

Many couples fail to grasp the essential “never give up” foundation that is necessary to sustain a lifetime love. Emotions are fickle. Romance comes and goes. But enduring love has an unshakeable commitment to one another and a willingness to sacrifice. That’s what is at the heart of our wedding vows, when we commit our love “for better or worse”, through both good and challenging times. Life will be hard at times and our love for each other will be confronted by a multitude of threats. But love doesn’t give up.

The biggest challenge we face in loving others well throughout our life is that we don’t have enough love inside us to never run out. Lepine now uses a second analogy – a water cistern or “Love Tank”, which needs to be filled in order to dispense love to others. This is why, by God’s grace, there are many kind and gracious non-believers who are able to dispense love to others. As long as people keep making deposits into their cistern, they have a love reserve to draw from.

Receiving love from others is wonderful, but everyone’s love tank will run dry at some point. No human has an unlimited reserve of love to give. But love from others is not intended to be the primary source of love for Christians. Our supply comes from God - a love which is steadfast, unchanging, and endless.

On our own, our love is feeble, fickle, and frail. But God’s love for us, in us, and through us to others is different. It enables us to keep loving, because He first loved us. So when it feels like you are simply going through the motions and your tank is empty, recognize the problem and remember the solution. God is the source of enduring love. Go to Him daily, confess your weakness, and be refilled. He has more than enough love to meet our needs.

"Love Fulfills Dreams," Part 2

The first part of this theme ended with an encouragement to consider what dreams your spouse might have and how to fulfill them. I hope you gave it some thought and came up with a few ideas. Maybe it’s an unexpected gift. It could be something luxurious, such as jewelry - or it could be practical, like a special piece of equipment or appliance that would make household chores easier. Maybe it’s a romantic date, a weekend getaway, or even an exotic vacation.

Not everything has to be expensive or even be bought with money. Perhaps their biggest desire is non-materialistic. Your spouse may simply want more of your time and attention, or help with daily tasks. Maybe you could secretly tackle a special project they have yearned for. My wife isn’t into gifts – kind words and deeds matter far more. The point is that dreams and desires come in all shapes and sizes. Yet they are typically associated with one’s primary love language.

In my opinion, loving your spouse well requires a proper balance between extravagant and routine strategies. Paul Tripp talks about the importance of “little moments”. He notes, “The character of a marriage isn’t set in three or four big moments. The character of marriage is set in 10,000 little moments of everyday life. If God doesn’t rule the little moments of your marriage, He doesn’t rule you; because that’s the address where your marriage lives.”

Even if you take your spouse on a dream vacation or buy something spectacular, it is unlikely to make amends for not loving them well on a daily basis. We will never navigate every little moment perfectly, but striving to do so will lay the foundation on which we can add periodic displays of extravagant love.

Let’s return to Love Dare for some closing thoughts. Love thinks lavishly while taking notes of your spouse’s dreams. This includes

• Listening carefully to discover what they are hoping for or really need.

• Remembering special things that are unique to your relationship or creating new memories during this season of your lives.

• Giving when it is unexpected (non-birthday/anniversary/holidays) or would be more convenient to wait.

• Imagining opportunities so that planning surprises becomes second nature.

Has it been a long time since you loved extravagantly? Is it no longer on the menu? The challenge is to think in terms of overwhelming your spouse with love; to exceed all their expectations with surprising kindness. Whether it is something free or requires a financial sacrifice, and regardless of it being materialistic or not, it needs to reflect your thoughtfulness and a heart that is willing to love abundantly. And it needs to be a supplement to, not a substitute for, loving well in the 10,000 little moments of your marriage.

Matthew West wrote a song called “The Motions”. In it, he repeatedly asks a question of faith – but one that is also appropriate for this message: “What if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?” One of the greatest regrets people have later in life is that they did not love others more fully when they had the chance. Now is your chance! So, “What is something your spouse would really, really love?” It’s time to start living out the answer to that question!

"Love Fulfills Dreams," Part 1

Our next message is a fun one. Yet at the same time, it can be personally challenging. More on that later. Love Dare starts with this question: “What is something that your spouse would really, really love?” How long has it been since you even considered this?

Common sense tells us that we can’t give our partner everything they want. Financial limitations, time constraints, perhaps children, and many other factors restrict this. Yet sometimes we are too quick or automatic to say no. Maybe we have become too practical and rational. Or maybe we have become lazy and non-intentional about our marriage (see “Love is thoughtful”, 8/14/2020). Instead of dismissing your spouse’s dreams, what if you awakened your love to fulfill them? What would it look like if the one thing they thought you would never be able to do actually happened?

Sometimes love needs to be extravagant - to set aside challenges and be generous, or to go all out and bless someone out of sheer delight. Is that thinking too much like a teenager? Is that kind of love no longer part of your marriage after all these years?

The above questions caused me to pause and reflect. Early on, I would have given my wife the moon if it were possible But like many young couples, time and money limited my options. Now, after 44 years of marriage, I no longer have that excuse. I appreciate that relationships change and “go through seasons” - and I still love my wife dearly - but am I really doing all I can to show her that?

Some may see little reason for love to be extravagant. Love Dare, however, showcases God’s endless love as justification for loving abundantly where we can. We were living under the burden of sin and regret. We never deserved God’s love nor can we ever earn it. But He didn’t wait for us to be perfect, He loved us anyway and sacrificed His Son for our sins (Romans 5:8). When we accept Jesus into our lives, we are forgiven. “But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive in Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.” (Ephesians 2:4-5).

God freely pours out His love without measure. He lavishes grace and mercy upon us (Ephesians 1:8), and Jesus came so that we may have life abundantly (John 10:10). As Christians, we are called to model this same kind of love – to give more than asked, to go the extra mile, and to exceed what is expected (Matthew 5:39-48). 2 Corinthians 9:7 tells us that God loves a cheerful giver – those who are willing to give abundantly out of pure delight.

Next week, we will shift to practical advice on how love can fulfill dreams. Until then, I encourage you with the following. First, reflect on God’s boundless love for you and how it meets the needs of your heart. Second, having been called to imitate His love, consider what dreams your spouse might have and then adopt a new level of love that seeks to fulfill them.

"Love Agrees in Prayer"

Love Dare’s previous theme looked at the powerful effect that God’s Word can have in our lives and marriages. Today, we build on this by examining a supernatural privilege – being able to approach the Holy throne of God through prayer. Many Christian couples have discovered that the regular practice of praying together is one of the most specific actions that can dramatically impact their marriage. To non-believers, this may seem ridiculous. But the unity that grows between a husband and wife who pray together forms an intense and powerful connection.

On your wedding day, God gave you a special gift - a prayer partner for life. Whether you are seeking wisdom on a difficult decision, battling insecurities, or dealing with personal issues, your spouse can join with you in prayer. And when disagreements arise that you both struggle to resolve, you can call time-out and pray together. Prayer should always be your first and automatic response when you don’t know what else to do.

When prayer intervenes during the height of an argument, a couple realizes that they are in the presence of the Lord and that He has joined them together as one. It can stop the bleeding, quiet the loud voices, and pause our painful passions. It is hard to stay angry for long with someone you are praying for. And it is hard not to back down when you hear your partner humbly cry out for God’s mercy in the midst of a crisis.

But prayer can do far more than just break up fights. Prayer is a privilege to be enjoyed on a daily basis. Knowing that prayer time awaits each day keeps God in the middle of everything as you both go about your business. Praying for your spouse will lead your heart to care more deeply about them. And hearing them pray for your needs, your protection, and God’s blessings over your life is an intimate experience that will deepen your love for one another.

Praying as a couple is meant to complement, not replace, individual prayer. It invites God’s uniting spirit which can turn discord into beauty. In music, two different notes can be played together to create a fuller, more complete sound than either delivers on its own. Likewise, when divergent viewpoints and personalities are brought together in prayer, God can join these together in harmony.

Shared prayer can strengthen every aspect of your relationship and play a vital role in marital longevity. Every time you humbly approach the throne of grace together, it ushers the presence of God into your marriage in a special way, accompanied by the love, joy, and peace you long for in your home.

If you do not currently pray together, consider inviting your spouse to do so. Discuss what time of day would be best. Also ask your partner how you can pray for them. And remember to not only pray for concerns, but also to thank the Lord for His blessings. Establishing this new routine may feel awkward at first, but over time it will become natural. You will likely be surprised by the long term results from something this powerful and be thankful for investing in this highly important habit. Praying together is a definitive action that can radically change everything in your life and marriage.

"Merry Christmas"

Greetings Friends,

I intended to write a message for today, but I was recently appointed to officiate another curling championship in early January. Planning for this requires a vast amount of time, so I must once again pause for a few weeks.

To date, we have completed 36 of the 40 Love Dare “mini-chapters”. In writing these messages, I have grown to appreciate the thought and wisdom that the Kendrick brothers put into this book. I pray that you have found this material both encouraging and practical.

Since starting this series in July 2020, I have written 66 messages. Drew continues to post them on Bethesda’s Marriage Ministry page. If you ever want to review any previous message or check out our video resource, here is the link: www.c3ec.org/marriage

I will close by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas as we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, our Lord and savior. May He bless you and your marriage as you seek and follow His ways. Amen.

Fred

"Love is God's Word."

Today’s topic focuses on the Bible, the greatest book of all times. Numerous accolades are attributed to it - the first book ever published, translated into more languages than any other, and the best seller ever. But more importantly, it reveals God’s plan for the world, our lives, and eternity.

Some feel the Bible is irrelevant in today’s world and so they ignore it. Others find it too difficult to understand and don’t know where or how to begin. But followers of Jesus have the Holy Spirit to help grasp the major themes and deep meanings of scripture. The Bible is ours to read, absorb, comprehend, and live by. Love Dare suggests three basic steps for experiencing the blessings of God’s Word.

Be in it. The first priority is to read the Bible daily. Those who faithfully do so can attest to what a difference it makes. If you are not in the habit of consistently reading the Bible, start now and see how it can impact your life. And to strengthen your marriage, read it regularly with your spouse, if they are willing.

Stay under it. The Bible can be profound and challenging. That’s why it is important to be part of a church where the Word is faithfully taught and preached. Hearing it explained in sermons and Bible study groups will give you a broader, more balanced view of what God is saying through His Word. Plus it allows you to join in Christian fellowship with others who are on the same journey.

Live it. Most books are designed to be read and appreciated, but the Bible is uniquely different because it is a living book. It lives because the Holy Spirit still resonates within its words. It lives because unlike writings of other religions, the author is alive. And it lives because it becomes part of who you are, how you think, and what you do. James 1:22 tells us to “not merely listen to the Word”, but to also “do what it says”.

Love Dare once again uses the parable of building a house on the sand versus rock. The takeaway is to build our marriages on the solid foundation of God’s Word. He knows our needs and reveals the path for our lives through His Word. But we only benefit from it as we read it, believe it, and apply it.

Every area of your life that you submit to God’s wisdom and guidance will grow stronger and more enduring. But anything that you hold back, choosing instead to go it on your own, will weaken and potentially fail when challenges arrive. So seek and trust in God’s Word for everything.

Wise couples build their house on the bedrock of God’s Word. They’ve seen what happens with sand and know how it feels when the footing gets soft and the foundation gives way. That is why you need the Bible as a resource for building your life and marriage. With it, your future will be stronger, no matter how bad the storms get.

"Love is Accountable"

Love Dare begins with an interesting sequoia tree analogy. Their massive size is one reason they can withstand severe environmental challenges and live for thousands of years. But they also have a hidden secret below the surface. Their roots, though only 6-12 feet deep, spread out and interlock with those of neighboring sequoias. Each tree is reinforced by the strength of the others.

The secret of the sequoia parallels fundamentals for maintaining a healthy, enduring marriage. When a couple faces challenges alone, the relationship is at greater risk of falling apart. But those who are engaged in a network of other strong marriages have better odds of weathering hard times. It is therefore important for a couple to pursue godly advice, healthy friendships, and experienced mentors.

Proverbs repeatedly speaks about the importance of wisdom and the need for prudent counsel. Wise people seek and gladly accept it. Fools never ask and then ignore it when given to them. “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15).

Wise counsel can help marriages run smoother and sometimes make the difference between success or failure. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” So why waste valuable time learning painful lessons when you may be able to discover those same truths sooner through sage advice? Why not cross the bridges that others have built by inviting strong couples to share the wisdom that they have gained? Not seeking or receiving wisdom is like letting gold slip through your fingers.

If your marriage is in crisis, then pursue solid counseling as quickly as possible. It may be initially awkward to open up to a stranger, but your marriage is worth the effort. And even couples in stable or flourishing marriages can benefit from forming bonds with other strong friends and couples.

Do you have a seasoned couple or trustworthy, same-gender friend you can turn to for sound advice, prayer support and accountability check-ups? Stephen Mansfield calls this his “Band of Brothers”. Whether you’re looking for a band of brothers or sisters, it can be a blessing for you and for your marriage to have trusted people who are willing to be honest with you, warn you about bad decisions, hold you accountable, encourage you when you are down, and cheer you on when you succeed.

But be careful who you chose. Everyone has an opinion and some will encourage you to act selfishly and pursue your own happiness. Look for individuals and couples who model the kind of marriage you want. Seek those who put God above all else – people who don’t live by their opinions, rather live by the unchanging Word of God. More often than not, they will be delighted that you asked for help.

Our series repeatedly stresses the need to seek God’s help. This always comes first and nothing is meant to replace this, but remember that God works through others. He created and uses Christian fellowship to bless and strengthen us. So pray for God to send strong individuals and couples into your life. Be accountable in your marriage and willing to spend the effort.

"Love Celebrates Godliness"

Our series began in July 2020 with several themes arising from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Today’s Love Dare message focuses on verse 6, “Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth” (NASB). The closer you and your spouse are to God, the more loving you will be in marriage. Our March 5th message, “Love is satisfied in God”, included a “marriage triangle diagram” showing how a couple’s spiritual journey is connected to their marriage. This simple, yet powerful visual is worth sharing again, so here is the link: https://c3ec.org/s/Triangle.pdf

Our roles as husband or wife are greatly enhanced as our Christian faith grows. With God, we have endless marital resources through His word, counsel, and love. In contrast, non-believers are severely limited and left to depend on their fickle emotions, selfish thinking, and human effort.

But even Christians have days where we fail to prayerfully depend on God, walk in His light, or obey His commandments. When we become spiritually disconnected, the door opens for impatience, anger, thoughtlessness, pride, and selfishness to take over. And when this happens, our spouses and families are exposed to the consequences.

Walking in fellowship with God is far more valuable for your marriage than any message, book, counseling session, or worldly advice. That is why one of the greatest priorities should be cultivating your relationship with Him while also celebrating any spiritual growth in your spouse. Love rejoices most in the things that pleases God. You are one of the most influential people in your spouse’s life, so lead them to honor Him. When your partner is growing in their faith and becoming spiritually active in the home, rejoice and cheer them on for what God is accomplishing in their lives.

Sometimes society can steer us to celebrate the wrong accomplishments in our spouse and, though unintentional, even encourage them to sin. But “love does not rejoice in unrighteousness” – not in ourselves, nor in our spouse. The Apostle John says, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walking in the truth” (3 John 4). He knew that the pursuit of godliness, purity, and faithfulness was the only way to please God, complete their purpose, and find joy and fulfillment in life.

But what if your spouse is not a believer? Paul tells us to stay true to an unbelieving mate, pray for them, and live an exemplary life before them in reverence to God (1 Corinthians 7:10-16). 1 Peter 3:1-2 calls wives to quietly use their submission, purity, and respectful behavior to win over their husbands. And verse 7 instructs husbands to be considerate and treat their wives with respect. Such a radical, contrary to society mindset may invite ridicule in some marriages. Nevertheless, remain prayerful, respectful, and loving. God is not finished with them yet and has placed a witness to Himself right next to them!

What more could you want for your spouse than to have them experience the best that life has to offer – the best that God has to offer! So be encouraging and happy for any success that your spouse enjoys. But save your heartiest congratulations for when they take steps closer to God and honor Him above all else. Celebrate Godliness!

"Love Completes Each Other"

We move on to a new topic, yet one that relates to the oneness concept which we have been studying. Love Dare begins in the Garden of Eden. God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone”, and so He created Eve (Genesis 2:18-25). Adam, though complete with God, found his needs met even more fully with Eve, his complement in life. The same can be true for your marriage as well. Love must be willing to act alone if necessary, but it is always better when it is not just a solo performance.

God designed one man and one woman to complement one another is so many ways. Consider how our bodies were made for each other. Furthermore, our natures and temperaments can provide balance, enabling us to work together to complete tasks before us. Where one is weak, the other is strong. When one needs building up, the other is there to support and encourage. We can multiply one another’s joys and divide one another’s sorrows.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 is a beautiful wisdom passage that explains why two are better than one. God created unique differences and needs in each of us that our spouse is exclusively designed to meet. These differences are often a source of misunderstandings and conflict, but they can also be blessings if we recognize and respect them. Marriage is about far more than just our happiness - it is also an important part of our sanctification process, making us more holy.

Differences give us the opportunity to complement and complete our spouse. And when we learn to accept them, we can bypass criticism and go straight to helping and appreciating one another. But sadly, some can’t get past these differences and therefore miss many precious opportunities. They fail to take advantage of the uniqueness that makes each of them more effective when including the other.

Marriage is one way God shows both husbands and wives that we are not all-sufficient in ourselves, and that the effectiveness of our marriage is dependent upon both of us working together. It is important to understand that your spouse is integral to your future success and to encourage their opinions on matters affecting both of you. If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you. Let them know of your desire to include them in upcoming decisions and that you welcome their perspective and counsel.

God has put you together for a purpose. And though you will not always agree with your spouse’s perspective, love calls you to still give their views sincere respect and consideration. This follows God’s design for your relationship and protects the oneness He intends. Joined together, you are greater than your individual parts. You need each other. You complete each other.

I will end with a story and FYI. We just completed a long drive to South Carolina. This periodically tested my patience — something that is not one of my stronger traits. Thankfully, I was blessed by Eileen’s companionship and encouragement, which actually made the trip enjoyable. It was a personal example of how love can complement and complete one another in tasks that we face. We continue to Florida next month for our son’s wedding, so I will take a writing break until late November. Until then, God bless.

"Love Meets Sexual Needs" - Part 3

Your level of enjoyment during sex is much more about what is going on in your heart, mind, and spirit than in your body. Too often, we don’t prepare ourselves emotionally, spiritually, and relationally for sex, then wonder later why it was not fully satisfying. Since the sexual relationship is founded upon the strength of your commitment, love, and intimacy, it is necessary to work on these key elements before you are physically together. When a couple surrenders to God, knows and loves each other deeply, and then give themselves to one another, their intimacy and lovemaking launches to a new level of enjoyment.

Remember, intimacy means to be fully known and then fully loved. This requires a couple to first be honest and vulnerable with each other, then to accept and affirm your mutual love and commitment to one another. Love Dare offers the following steps to help you continually experience God’s blessings in your marriage and take your sex life to a higher level.

1 – Remove guilt. Anything weighing on your heart or conscience needs to be resolved. Spend a few minutes together in prayer, getting it right with God so that guilt is not corrupting or weighing down either of you. Recommit to God being at the center of your life and marriage.

2 – Remove bitterness. Unresolved anger extinguishes a romantic fire. So in addition to getting right with God, also get right with one another. Take time to discuss lingering issues and remove bitterness. Both parties must sincerely apologize and completely forgive any wrong that has come between you. This is vital to bringing about the true oneness and coming union that you both desire.

3 – Remove stress. Stress and worry distracts our minds and weighs down our hearts. Pray for one another and things you are worried about. Pray for God to intervene in those circumstances as well as to protect, bless, and strengthen your marriage. God calms our minds through prayer, brings emotional peace, and interweaves our heart together.

4 – Fill up with God’s love. As you are praying, thank God for His love for you and ask Him to make you a vessel of His love to your spouse. Pray also to be filled with His Holy Spirit and that His love, joy, and peace will be poured into your heart… and through you to each other (Romans 5:5 & Galatians 5:22).

5 – Overflow with thanksgiving. Ungratefulness and selfishness greatly diminish your level of satisfaction, not only in sexual intimacy but in all aspects of your life. It steals the joy from an experience and makes you feel devalued rather than built up. Thanksgiving is a way to focus on the positives of your spouse and increase their priceless worth in your heart and mind. So spend time thanking your spouse for anything they recently did for you, then let them do the same for you. Appreciate and honor the contributions that you make to one another’s lives.

6 – Pour out affirmation. Next, verbally affirm your love and long-term commitment to one another. Encourage each other with the things you most admire and respect, as well as the qualities and uniqueness that still attract you to this special person in your life. Cherish each other with your words, and receive their words of love and devotion for you (Proverbs 16:24).

7 – Have selfless sex. Celebrate your oneness and God’s gift of your spouse. As you delight in them and become physically intimate, both of you should focus on satisfying the needs and desires of the other before yourselves. Let your love unite in a feast of selfless affection (Song of Songs, Chapter 5).

This was a lengthy message, but I did not want to trim too much of the rich Love Dare material. I appreciate your indulgence and pray that you found practical value in it.

"Love Meets Sexual Needs" - Part 2

We continue our discussion on sexual intimacy by diving into a challenging passage of scripture. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 is too long to quote here, so I encourage you to take a moment to read it. Paul notes that it is good for married couples to have normal sexual relations, that our spouse “has authority” over our body, and that we do not want to deprive each other. The idea of authority over our spouse’s body may be unsettling or confusing in our world. But God created marriage to be a “one flesh union”, so you are the only person on earth designated to fulfill your partner’s sexual needs. Withholding sex, especially if your spouse’s love language is physical touch, places a great strain on the relationship. Your spouse is left with no other God-approved alternatives, which may open the door to temptation. Paul recognizes this danger by warning us to come together again so Satan will not take advantage of our lack of control.

The heart of marriage is the giving of ourselves to each other to meet the other’s needs. Therefore sex must never be used by a partner as a weapon, nor unjustly withheld as a bargaining tool. Rigorous requirements to “earn it as a reward” must be avoided. Having said this, the intent of this passage is not to give a spouse carte blanche to demand sex from their partner, practice immoral sexual behavior, or be abusive in any way. To do so is utter selfishness and not true love. Paul is advocating the principles of agreement, respect, and mutuality in our marital relationship.

As we learn and relearn the grace and love of mutual submission to serve each other by giving ourselves to our spouse for their pleasure, we can reclaim and experience the wonder and beauty that God intended for our marriage. Sex is a significant aspect of our marital relationship and integrating our physical intimacy with rock-solid principles for emotional and spiritual health is key for experiencing the best marriage has to offer.

Sexual intimacy is best approached with an attitude of gratitude and genuine love, not simply as a duty. So as you engage in sexual relations with your spouse, remember that this union is a celebration of your marriage. You are a gift to your spouse, and your spouse is a gift to you from God. God invites you to enjoy each other. In marriage, we have this unique privilege of being exposed and vulnerable, intimate, and deeply loved. God gives us the pleasure of physical intimacy with our spouse as a way to bless us and to strengthen our love and commitment for each other.

But it should also be noted that this intimacy and vulnerability can open us up to misunderstandings and wounds. If you are struggling, please seek help from a trusted friend, mentor, pastor or professional counselor.

Next week, we will look at some practical steps for your relationship which can improve the mutual enjoyment of sexual intimacy between you and your spouse. Until then, may God continue to bless you and your marriage.

"Love Meets Sexual Needs" - Part 1

We move on to a topic that I suspect many have been waiting for, yet one that others may fear - sexual intimacy. I embark on this multi-part message aware of the enormous sensitivity and uniqueness surrounding this most intimate of human relationships. I will start gently with more of an introduction rather than dive immediately into this topic.

God created sex to be a good and meaningful part of marriage. The fact that plenty has been written about it in the Bible further speaks to its significance. Scripture offers warnings and stories about immoral sexual practices, but there is also an abundance as to the beauty of it. Indeed, Song of Songs, is an entire book devoted to it. And while some view this merely as an allegory of God’s love for His people, do not miss the fact that it is also a passionate and romantic love story. Christians sometimes struggle with what the Bible says about sex, especially in today’s world. But if we believe that everything written in the Bible is God-inspired, then we cannot ignore or reject what it says. As Tim Keller notes, we don’t get to choose what to follow based on what we do or do not like.

It is vital that our information source, including the Bible, the church, and sound Christian writing, reflects God’s plan and becomes our reference point on sexuality. Plus it is important, not only for us but our children as well, that conversations on this should be addressed appropriately and graciously within our families. Failure to do so opens the door for the media and other secular sources to shape our sexual morals. Remember that we live within the realm of a spiritual battle and Satan’s mission is to twist every good, God-created blessing. And sex is a perfect target.

Love Dare makes this interesting comment: “Sexual intimacy is one of God’s greatest wedding gifts, to be fully enjoyed on a consistent basis as husband and wife.” It is intended to be part of celebrating what God has given to us in each other. And through the pleasure of physical intimacy, our relational, emotional, and spiritual intimacy is strengthened as well. Faithful love transitions into overwhelming joy and a peace that no other sexual relationship outside of marriage can ever produce. This is why God approves of only one sexual relationship, between one man and one woman married to each other, and has placed boundaries around it. People often see God’s plan as limiting sexual enjoyment, but the truth is He is protecting this precious gift.

Sadly, we often fail to experience sexual intimacy as God intended. Reasons can include wounds from our past, deception by what the world says, and the temptations of wrongful desires. Some Christians view sex as dirty or shameful. Others are haunted by memories of immorality or adultery. Then there are those who give in to the seductive destruction of pornography. And the list goes on. The end result is that many couples grow distant from each other.

Working through these issues and reclaiming God’s plan for sexual intimacy may take time, attention, patience, grace, and perhaps even professional counseling. Next week we will further explore the biblical basis as well as begin unpacking some practical aspects of sexual intimacy.

"Love and Marriage"

Today’s message focuses on “leaving and cleaving”. As you read on, you will discover how this also ties in with the oneness theme that we just completed. Love Dare cites Genesis 2:24 as God’s blueprint for marriage: “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” But for this to work as designed, it requires a tearing away and knitting together. Marriage changes everything! And couples who do not take the leave and cleave message seriously often suffer long term consequences.

“Leaving” requires you to break a natural tie. Your loyalty must shift away from parents, old flames, and close friends to your spouse. Your parent’s role needs to change from being authorities to becoming “respected counselors.” And your marriage also requires a proper amount of “emotional distance” from others. The purpose of leaving is not to abandon all contact from the past, rather to establish and preserve the unique oneness of marriage. Only then can you and your union become all that God intends it to be.

Yet many newlyweds struggle with this transition or their parents have a hard time releasing their child. If parents, in-laws, or others are allowed to dictate and place demands, your unity will be threatened. Courage is necessary to break your marriage free from any unhealthy attachment. You need to lovingly tell others that you are grateful for their counsel and prayers, but you and your spouse need room to make your own decisions.

Those who have been married a considerable length of time may feel they already passed this stage. Hopefully that is true, yet it is surprising how some areas of incomplete detachment can linger and contribute to divisive issues many years later.

Leaving is the first and necessary step in order to cleave. “Cleaving” is to catch someone by pursuit. In marriage, it is the joining of two hearts to achieve oneness. This union can benefit everything that you do in life, including the roles you assume in marriage and building a family.

But a word of warning. Many, including Christians, think they know better than God. Perhaps they find Genesis 2:24 too irrelevant or difficult. And so they ignore God’s plan for their union and settle instead for “worldly thinking.” They sacrifice the oneness and strength of their relationship in order to include and please others who are not a part of it.

Some may ask, “What if the pursuit of oneness is one-sided and my spouse has no interest in capturing the unity and purpose that God has for our marriage?” The best course is to continue following His way by praying for your spouse, prioritizing your relationship with them above all other human loyalties, and protecting your union as a treasure. Over time, your marriage may begin to change and experience the beauty of oneness.

God’s decision to make you “one in marriage” is intentional, beautiful, eternal, and makes so many things possible. So leave, cleave and dare to walk with your spouse as one. Commit to God and your spouse to make your marriage the number one human relationship in your life.

"Love Brings Unity" - Part 3

Today, we resume looking at threats to oneness.

3. Inevitable difficulties

Difficulties in marriage are inescapable, but two common failures further complicate this. The first is a failure to anticipate them – we simply miss or ignore the warning signs. The second is a failure to properly respond. Instead of doing so in a loving way that considers our spouse’s position, we often respond defensively by putting our own interests or solutions first.

Difficulties are common and does not mean something is wrong with a marriage. But our response will either drive us apart or bind us together. The key to maintaining oneness is having a plan to move through difficult times without rejecting or withdrawing from your spouse.

4. Extramarital affairs

Though adultery immediately comes to mind, a better definition of an extramarital affair is an escape from reality or a search for fulfillment outside of marriage. Examples can include an overindulgence in activities, careers, material goods, families, and fantasies (including pornography or romantic novels). Here are some reasons why affairs are so prevalent and how they evolve. First, society constantly inundates us with the wrong message that we deserve complete fulfillment and happiness. This seduces people to develop unrealistic expectations and an improper perception of reality. In doing so, they begin to compare these expectations and fantasies to their real life situation. This often leads them to question reality, not their fantasies. And so they frequently choose to escape through extramarital affairs rather than do the hard work of rebuilding their marriage. This ultimately leads to isolation, which will destroy unity as well as threaten the marriage itself.

5. Selfishness

You may be tired of hearing about this, but it’s clearly a threat to oneness. We not only have a natural tendency towards selfishness, but today’s culture promotes and encourages it. Our selfish nature focuses on and becomes critical of our spouse’s weaknesses, mistakes, and failures to meet our expectations. Our disapproval leads them to feel rejected, discouraged, angry, and bitter. This can negatively affect their response, thereby setting up a dangerous, downward spiral.

Understanding threats to oneness is important to avoid the following, all too common scenario. In the romantic phase of dating, responsibilities are minimal - plus the relationship is characterized by intense feelings that may not be sustainable. In the reality phase of early marriage, couples uncover more flaws about each other as responsibilities grow and pressure mounts. If a couple chooses not to follow the path of genuine love, they next enter a renovation phase where they attempt to “make over” their spouse to adapt to their preferences. This seldom works, leading to the retaliation phase which is characterized by despair as resentment and bitterness turns into harmful words and actions. And finally comes the rejection phase, where emotional separation or divorce itself occurs as the inevitable result of ongoing marital isolation.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Oneness can be restored through effective communication, employing good conflict resolution techniques, and learning to follow love’s call. Doing this is a tall task, but we have a supernatural power at our disposal – God’s grace. Through His gracious gift of Jesus Christ, we are forgiven, loved and accepted. It can never be earned and we certainly don’t deserve it. Real love shows unending grace. If you truly desire oneness with your spouse, learn to avoid what threatens it. And always shower them with grace, just as the Holy Trinity has blessed you.

"Love Brings Unity" - Part 2

We resume our discussion on unity by taking a more practical look at oneness. To do so, I will draw heavily on a few excellent resources offered by Family Life.

The Art of Marriage, which is available for viewing on RightNow Media, makes several interesting points. First, society touts the importance of finding the right one in order to achieve oneness and a happy marriage. But the myth of “The One” is not biblical. In “Courtship After Marriage”, Zig Ziglar addresses this by saying that it is possible that you married the wrong person. However, if you treat them like the right person, you could have ended up marrying the right person after all. On the other hand, if you married the right person and treat them wrongly, you could well have ended up marrying the wrong person. Ultimately, it is more important to be the right kind of person than to marry the right person.

Oneness is also about “receiving your spouse”. This is more than accepting them – it means embracing the God-given differences He has built into each of you. And receiving your spouse is a daily choice.

Family Life’s Weekend to Remember explores oneness in even greater detail. Founder Dennis Rainey says, “Oneness in marriage involves complete unity with each other. It’s more than a mere mingling of two humans – it’s a tender merger of body, soul, and spirit.” In examining why marriages fail, they cite five threats to oneness.

1. Difficult adjustments

It is readily apparent that today’s culture does little to encourage couples to make the necessary adjustments to achieve marital oneness. Contrasting backgrounds can bring about difficult adjustments in many areas including work, finances, personal values, religion, family history, past relationships, and painful experiences.

Another contributing factor is that couples often marry based on “superficial motivation”: feelings, sexual attraction, cultural or family pressure, escape, and more. In addition, spouses frequently have differing expectations about marriage in areas such as roles, expression of love, sexual performance, and future plans. All these require major adjustments as the relationship evolves, otherwise oneness is in grave danger.

2. Our culture’s pattern

Culture promotes a “50/50 performance relationship” where each partner only needs to give an amount equal to what they get. Acceptance is based on performance – “You do your part, and I’ll do mine”. This leads to giving based on merit. Affection is only given when one deems that it is deserved and the motivation for action is determined by how one feels.

The 50/50 relationship is harmful to oneness for many reasons:

• Our inability to meet unreal expectations

• Our tendency to focus on our spouse’s weaknesses

• Disappointment in our spouse which affects our behavior

• A desire to seek revenge when we have been wronged

• The impossibility of knowing if my spouse has met me halfway.

We will look at more threats to oneness next week. Let’s close by summarizing today’s key takeaways:

• Oneness is about becoming the right person.

• It is about receiving your spouse

• We must be aware of threats to oneness and prepared to handle them

• God never designed marriage to be a 50/50 performance relationship

• Understanding what threatens our marriage is a critical step in achieving oneness.

"Love Brings Unity" - Part 1

We now begin exploring an essential element of a healthy marriage that’s received little attention so far - oneness. We’ve talked extensively about how genuine love serves others, not ourselves. Marriage is a unique relationship where God’s plan goes even further; where two become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). And Jesus validates this by saying, “What God has joined together, let man not separate” (Mark 10:6-9).

Love Dare begins by looking at the Bible itself - 66 books written over a span of 1600 years by 40 different authors. Yet it beautifully interweaves God’s redemptive plan from beginning to end with one united voice. And to this day it continues to speak His never changing message with perfect relevance. Unity, togetherness, and oneness - the unshakable hallmarks of our God.

Love Dare next focuses on the nature of the Holy Trinity: God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son, and the Holy Spirit - united as one in perfect harmony. This is magnificently portrayed at Jesus’ baptism when the Spirit descends upon Him and the Father proclaims, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well-pleased” (Matthew 3:17). The Father, Son and Spirit exist in pristine unity. They continually serve, love, and honor each other. Though perfect and unsurpassed, they rejoice when the other is praised. Though distinct, they are one, indivisible.

This relationship is so special that God has chosen to let us experience one aspect of it very personally. Paul talks about this mystery in Ephesians 5:25-33 by illustrating how God designed marriage to be a reflection of His love for the church. Paul also calls us to love our spouse who is as much a part of our body as we are. To serve our spouse whose needs cannot be separated from ours. To love them as a reflection of God’s love for us.

The biblical picture of unity is truly beautiful. But does this reflect your marriage? We were created and placed within the realm of spiritual warfare. Satan seeks to divide and isolate. Marriages never stand still; they are either moving towards oneness or isolation. What would your marriage look like if you were never again willing to see your oneness torn apart? Unity strengthens relationships and homes, while division destroys them. We must battle against the forces of evil that seek to destroy our marriage. But we cannot do this on our own. We need God, who stands ready to fight for us.

The unity of the Holy Trinity gives evidence to the power of oneness. This same spiritual reality is available to us as we go through everyday routines of our busy lives. Oneness needs to be a constant thread that runs through the daily experience of what we call “our marriage” and gives it a purpose to be defended for life.

Next week we will examine unity from a more practical perspective and see what it looks like in action. In preparation, I end with this Love Dare challenge. Isolate one area of division in your marriage. Pray for God to reveal anything in your heart that is threatening oneness. Ask for guidance to communicate and find ways to truly become one with your spouse.

"Love's Motivation - Personal Thoughts"

It took nearly a month to compose last week’s message. Writing does not come naturally for me. It requires a lot of time and focus, so the demands of officiating another national curling championship made this impossible. But I must also confess that I initially underestimated the significance of this faith-challenging topic.

While using Love Dare material to write about motivation, I gradually developed another perspective and will phrase it with this question: “Why don’t we love our spouse as we should?” I don’t believe it is a matter of not knowing what we should do. The Bible is crystal clear and we have covered many facets of unconditional love throughout this series. So why do we resist following God’s plan?

The answer lies in our selfishness. We put “our kingdom of one” before God’s Kingdom. Paul Tripp talks about an inner lawyer in each of us ready to defend our actions and justify our needs. The concept of loving another, especially when it is difficult to do so or when they cause us pain, is a daunting task. But God calls us to do it anyways - just as Jesus loves and died for us though we are unworthy. That’s why loving someone, including a spouse when it is challenging, can be an act of worship. We love them, because we love God. And we do it not out of duty, but out of gratitude for how much God loves us. Love motivated by raw duty or ideal conditions will never last long. Only a love that is lifted up to God never loses its anchor and will endure.

Here is another Paul Tripp saying: “My problem is not that I don’t love my wife enough, my problem is that I don’t love God enough.” You might feel this is “too theological” and lacks practical application. At times, I feel the same way. But you may discover if you dig deeper, as I did in writing this message, that the motivation for loving others MUST come from something beyond the fickleness of emotions or the desires of our sinful heart. Love comes from God, not us, and so our motivation to love others must be found in Him. Never forget the need to always go vertical first in any relationship. Seek God and make Him your source of motivation in all you do, including your marriage.

Some may ask, “But what if my spouse repeatedly rejects my love?” Though worthy of discussion, this would require at least another message so I will come back to it someday. Meanwhile here are three highlights from a chapter on this subject in Gary Thomas’ book “A Lifelong Love”:

• God doesn’t call us to love only unselfish spouses.

• If we love out of reverence for God, we will receive God’s comfort.

• Giving to get is the world’s view of love, but it is not Christ’s.

God stands ready to bless us with joy in our relationships, but marriage was not designed solely for our pleasure. Marriage is part of the sanctification process in our spiritual journey to become more holy. And marriage is yet another means by which we can worship our Lord. If you focus on serving and pleasing Him, you will likely find your marriage lifted to a higher level.

"Love's Motivation"

It doesn’t take long to discover that our spouse will not always motivate our love. Sometimes they will de-motivate us and make it difficult to find the inspiration to love them. They may even resist genuine expressions of our love. All this can be discouraging, but it is common – even in many healthy marriages.

Motivational targets based on moods and emotions are similar to the parable of building a house on sand. Both are unanchored and fragile. Steadfast love, and the motivation to follow its call, requires a rock solid foundation; one that always remains fixed and unchanged. God needs to be that foundation and the reason for loving. Love does not come from us – it comes from God and He gives us the ability to love others.

Love Dare asks us to think back to childhood when we followed rules established by our parents. Initially, the consequences of disobeying was our primary incentive to comply. But as we grew in both age and faith, we realized that we also have to answer to God. When we surrender our lives to God, He becomes our motivation and pleasing Him becomes our goal. Colossians 3:18-24 paints a beautiful picture of what this looks like in areas of work, service, marriage - in everything we do. “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart… It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”

The love demonstrated in your marriage should ultimately have one major objective: loving and honoring God with devotion and sincerity. Your role as a spouse will take on new meaning when you see it as a way for living out your love for God. John says we show this through the way we treat, serve, and love others (1 John 3:17 and 4:11-21). This means every loving thought, attitude or action in your marriage becomes another way of saying, “I love you God.” The fact that doing so blesses your spouse is wonderful benefit. And if you find any joy in this, consider it an additional blessing from the Lord for “keeping in step with the Spirit” (Galatians 5:22-25).

Perhaps you may wonder whether your marriage or love for your spouse will suffer in making God your primary focus and greatest delight. Quite the contrary! In drawing closer to Him, the creator of marriage and the one who loves your spouse even more than you do, your marriage is ready to soar to new heights!

The world fails to grasp this “Christian advantage” of marriage. Knowing that God is your source of everything gives you the ability to interact graciously with your spouse. No longer is this imperfect person the determining factor for how much you will love them, rather you gratefully allow God to use an imperfect you to bestow love on another.

Those who are fine with mediocre marriages can leave their love to chance and hope for the best. But if you are committed to loving your spouse to the fullest, then you need love’s unchanging motivation. Love that is God-focused has unlimited potential. So when you are not motivated to do it for them, do it for Him.

"Cruciform Love" - Part 3

Here are a few final examples from Paul Tripp of Cruciform love in action.

IV. Love treats others well.

Love speaks kindly and gently, even in moments of disagreement, and refuses to attack a spouse’s character or intelligence. The wounds of harsh words live within a heart for a long time. But love says no to getting your own way by using words for warfare rather than tools of love. Choose your words wisely, and do not allow yourself to say whatever you think or where emotions lead you.

Love faithfully treats your spouse with appreciation, respect and grace - even in moments when they don’t seem to deserve it or are unwilling to reciprocate. This means loving your spouse when they have bad days, or are irritable, impatient, demanding or critical. It means loving when they hurt you and refuse to cooperate or help. Love refuses to use words as weapons or let the sun go down on your anger, even if your spouse does so.

Love also never allows the flaws of your spouse to become a reason to change the rules. True love is respectful and looks for ways to express appreciation. It finds joy in giving grace. It seeks to build and encourage. And true love does this no matter what.

V. Love is committed to continual growth.

Love requires ongoing growth so that the love you offer is increasingly selfless, mature, and patient. Love is not lazy or self-assured and does not live with feelings of arrival. It seeks God’s will and embodies a willingness to change. Love doesn’t coast; it always carries a personal growth agenda.

Love requires admitting to yourself, your spouse and God that you are not able to love this way without God’s grace. This requires two realizations. First, that love is deeper and more active than a warm, romantic feeling of affection toward someone you are attracted to. Love is a specific commitment to a specific person that calls you to a specific lifestyle of caring that requires you to make sacrifices for the good of another. Second, the bar is too high and we are incapable of continually loving this way. The realization of this weakness is not meant to make us give up; rather it drives us to seek and live in dependency on God.

In his recent sermon on Psalm 36, Pastor Brian spoke about how God meets us where we are at, but He doesn’t want us to keep living in our sin. He wants to transform us, has a plan for us and wants us to follow. Jesus knew that wisdom and principles wouldn’t be powerful enough for us to love as we are called, so He gave the only thing that was – Himself. In doing so, He gave us the resources to live a specific and continuing life of love. So don’t let regret or past failures hold you back, nor be overwhelmed by love’s call. Left to ourselves, we don’t have what it takes – but Jesus is with you, in you, and for you. Walk forward in hope and courage and commit yourself to cruciform love, knowing that His grace has the power to make it happen. Amen.