"Faithful Love"

Our previous “Love is faithful” message challenged us to love our spouse, even when they have lost interest in receiving it. Tim Keller’s book, “The Meaning of Marriage”, looks at faithful love from a different perspective - why to continue loving even when we have lost the feeling of love.

Biblical love needs to be an action far more than an emotion. The essence of this love, and Christian marriage as well, is a sacrificial commitment to the good of the other. It is not measured by how much you want to receive, but by how much you are willing to give of yourself.

Society increasingly treats marriage as a consumer relationship; one where an individual’s needs are more important than the relationship itself. This can lead to comparisons of how much we put into our marriage versus how much our spouse does. If we get as much or more out of it than what we put in, we are happy. But as we gradually discover each other’s flaws, we sometimes feel cheated. This may evoke a business-type response of “cutting expenditures when revenues are down”, so we put less effort into our marriage. Furthermore, we defend withholding our love by saying, “I can’t give love if I don’t feel it.” It is little wonder then that our culture advocates that when the thrill is gone, it’s time for a change. Many buy into this, leaving them vulnerable to situations that offer the promise of “getting the thrill back.”

A true Christian marriage however, is radically different because God established it as a covenant - vertically, to reflect Christ’s love for His church and horizontally, as one where the good of the relationship takes precedence over the needs of an individual. Marriage is designed to be the deepest relationship possible between two human beings. It also provides the framework for biblical love to thrive and creates a secure space where we can be vulnerable with our spouse.

Keller therefore views the wedding vow as a commitment to the covenantal relationship of marriage. It should not merely be a declaration of present love; rather a binding promise to faithfully love our spouse in the future, regardless of our feelings or circumstances. This is foundational because all marriages will encounter difficulties. During these times, our vows keep us from giving up too quickly and allows love the chance to do what is best.

So what about feelings? Powerful feelings of affection and delight will not last forever. A love that places feelings above unselfish actions will experience major problems as well as limit the growth of genuine relationships. Emotions are heavily influenced by external circumstances and therefore, are highly inconsistent. They are not readily under our control — but our actions are. The world says that feelings of love are the basis for actions of love. This may be true, but it is more correct to say that “faithful actions of love can lead to feelings of love.” When we consistently love someone, even when they are “unlovely”, they will eventually become lovely in our eyes.

Christ displayed history’s greatest act of love by dying on the cross. He loved us, not because we were lovely to Him, but to make us lovely.

So when your relationship is strained, remember that marriage is a covenant; a promise of future love. And regardless of your feelings, never abandon actions of faithful love for your spouse.