"Love Cherishes," Part 2

I am excited to share material from Gary Thomas on cherishing. Perhaps you recall that he visited and spoke at Bethesda in October 2019. He released a book in 2017 titled “Cherish”, which is also the topic of his most recent lecture series.

Gary begins by examining the traditional wedding vow to “love and cherish”. We may focus on love, but often neglect or don’t understand what it means to cherish. Love can be thought of as the ‘foundational’ aspect of marriage. It is defined and celebrated in 1 Corinthians 13:4–8. Love is about commitment. Cherish is the ‘tasting’ aspect — that something extra which can take a marriage to a higher level. Its nature is revealed in the Song of Songs. Cherish is about passion and delight.

Showcasing your spouse is another feature. Gary suggests viewing love as the athletics of marriage while cherish is the ballet. The couples dance is often the highlight of a ballet. What makes it special is how the male dancer supports and stabilizes the female dancer as she does beautiful twists and turns that she could never do on her own. He purposefully showcases her beauty and lets her glow in the spotlight while he quietly performs in the background. This is what cherishing looks like.

To cherish is to hold someone dear. As an illustration, Gary takes us back to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. He encourages us to see our spouse as though they were the only woman or man in the world. He’s not saying they are perfect; rather we avoid the trap of comparing them to others. They become our definition of beauty, even as they age. This represents a significant departure from society’s posture.

Cherish means noticing and honoring your spouse. Romans 12:10 calls us to “Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.” Though not specifically written for marriage, Christians called to follow this and doing so should begin with our spouse. Furthermore, marriage expert Dr. Joel Gottman notes that, “Without honor, all the marriage skills one can learn won’t work.” He also talks about ‘catching bids’ – an attempt to garner your partner’s attention. These routine and seemingly mundane actions are often based on something we read, heard, saw or thought. Yet these thrown bids are in essence asking, “Do you still cherish me?” The key lies not in their content, but how we respond. We can ignore our partner's bids or we can notice and honor them. Not surprisingly, high response rates correlate directly with marital happiness and longevity.

Next week, we will finish looking at what Gary Thomas has to say about cherishing. Meanwhile, I encourage you to reflect on what we covered and search for ways to truly cherish your spouse.

Fred