"Love is not Selfish" - Part 1

We now come upon our first ‘not theme’ of the series: Love is not selfish. 1 Corinthians 13:5 states love is not self-seeking. In contrast to our prior themes which looked at fruits of the spirit, this addresses a sin issue. As we explore God’s design for marriage, the presence and impact of sin cannot be ignored. It separates us from achieving His perfect plan. Selfishness is one of the worst and at the root of almost every sin. Paul Tripp defines selfishness as “A kingdom of one”. Clearly it stands in opposition to God’s Kingdom. In all honesty, we all struggle with some degree of selfishness.

Let’s examine the relationship between love and selfishness. These two are in constant conflict - as one grows, the other fades. Love calls us to put others above our self and do things for them, while selfishness puts the focus on us at their expense. Being selfish diminishes our capacity to love - the more we are self-centered, the less we can truly love another.

Selfishness also makes us needy and overly sensitive. We become manipulative or demand to have things our way. And when that doesn’t work, we often criticize others while being blind to our own faults. Sadly, today’s culture encourages focusing on ourselves. Marriage however, inevitably exposes our selfishness. Consider your tendency to put your needs before your spouse’s or concentrate on their deficiencies while ignoring yours.

1 Corinthians 13:4 says love does not boast and is not arrogant. Simply defined, arrogance is an over-inflated opinion of ourselves and boasting is letting others know that opinion. Both are connected to selfishness and they drain love from a marriage. Arrogance insists that others praise and admire us. However real love says, “I am committed to your good” and demonstrates it through serving others.

What about our need for encouragement – is it wrong? Marriages won’t thrive if spouses don’t encourage one another. If it is a healthy need, not a selfish/arrogant one, scripture clearly supports encouragement. The key is not to ignore our legitimate needs, rather to learn appropriate ways to handle them. First, bring your needs to Jesus in prayer. Second, put the needs of others before yours. And third, learn how to lovingly communicate your needs to your spouse. For a practical application, consider Gary Chapman’s words from “The Five Love Languages”: “Love makes requests, not demands. A request creates the possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates that possibility.”

Next time, we will examine more ways to combat selfishness. Until then, God bless.

Fred