"Intimacy Revisited," Part 1

Having recently covered “Love promotes intimacy” followed by “Love seeks to understand”, let’s take a moment to tie these two together. I will primarily draw on Gary Thomas material from his book “A Lifelong Love.”

Gary discusses multiple differences between artificial and real intimacy. He notes that popular thinking promotes a concept that good marriages are “discovered.” Once we meet the right person, it’s like planting a tree. You water and care for it initially, then sit back and watch it grow. Many couples begin marriage this way, assuming it will flourish without continuing to pursue or understand their spouse. They live with an “artificial intimacy;” one based on infatuation rather than intentional building. Bob Lepine adds that “people often get married because they fall in love with the feeling of being loved. They got married to get, not give.”

Infatuation has a short life expectancy and therefore, cannot sustain a marriage. However, other factors can replace it and keep artificial intimacy going. Planning the wedding is one possibility if a couple approaches it like coworkers tackling a task. Gary believes “it is silly to give so much focus to a ceremony lasting less than an hour while neglecting to cultivate a lifelong relationship.” Sexual chemistry, particularly early on, is another possible reinforcement. Additional life events, such as building careers and raising kids, can further sustain it. But unless a couple intentionally commits to building true intimacy — one that seeks to understand their spouse and meet their needs - the artificial version will eventually fade, thereby putting the marriage in jeopardy.

During the artificial intimacy timespan, one or both partners may “check out” of their marriage. This is when temptations (see Jan 8 message) are at their greatest and might end a marriage. Others will linger until one day, a couple wakes up to the reality that they have drifted apart; that they have become roommates instead of intimate spouses. At this point, they are faced with a difficult decision to: 1) part ways, 2) continue living in misery or 3) earnestly commit to the hard work of rebuilding their marriage. Increased divorce rates in older couples is evidence that many choose the easy way out. “Checking out” is the beginning of the end; “checking in” is the journey toward intimacy and joy.

Today’s message concentrates on identifying and understanding artificial intimacy. Perhaps this doesn’t apply or your marriage has moved beyond it. However you may know other couples in this situation, so consider sharing this message with them. In preparation for next week’s focus on more ways to restore intimacy, let’s end with a challenge based on understanding. If you miss the level of intimacy you once had, one way to rebuild it is through committing to know your spouse better. Read and study them like a book you are trying to understand. Your spouse’s heart is a treasure chest waiting to be unlocked. Seeking to understand leads to gaining knowledge which, combined with genuine love, results in intimacy.