"Intimacy Revisited," Part 2
/In mid-January, we examined four ways to increase relational intimacy – a safe environment, trust, gratitude and grace. Last week we added “seeking to understand.” Let’s hear more from Gary Thomas about building intimacy and strong marriages.
A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make.
You have to keep on making it. “To stop giving yourself to your spouse is to spiritually divorce them.”
You can begin remaking your marriage more intimate at any stage. This is good news for those who married based on infatuation or exist on artificial intimacy.
However, our natural tendencies prevent us from doing this on our own. We need God’s help to persevere and lead us into greater intimacy. This means we pray for each other, persistently communicate, reject bitterness, resolve differences, and go to God to forgive each other’s weaknesses. We also reserve time for each other, make memories, remain best friends, and share emotions.
If we stop doing all these little things that sustain intimacy, it dies. This usually leads couples to blame their spouse instead of the relationship. They say, “I must have married the wrong person” instead of acknowledging that, “We haven’t nurtured our relationship.” Intimacy isn’t something you have or don’t have — it is something you choose to build and maintain.
Gary says there are two questions we can ask within marriage that will lead to two entirely different dimensions – intimacy or estrangement. We choose which one we want to live in by asking either “How can I bless you?” or “How can I get my needs met?” He also notes:
“Many people want intimacy more in the abstract than in reality. We want the benefits of being known and loved, but hate the process of dying to get there.”
The notion of “mine” and “yours” goes against oneness; it means you are living separate lives. Family Life founder Dennis Rainey uses the analogy of “riding two unicycles instead of a bicycle built for two.” Marital intimacy requires us to die as individuals and be reborn as a couple.
Don’t focus on the difficulties of loving your spouse; focus instead on blessing them through meeting their needs.
Two people can find themselves falling in love, but nobody falls into genuine intimacy or oneness. Intimacy requires the giving of yourself. Before witnesses on your wedding day, you proclaimed to your spouse that “I am yours.” Does this still hold true today?
With Valentine’s Day approaching, the world’s “view of love” will be on display. Now I like romance and passion as much as anyone, and it has a special place in marriage, but it can’t be the foundation. What we need is love and intimacy as God describes them. Building this is a long journey that requires a deliberate choice to be intentional, thoughtful and prayerful. The motto for an intimate marriage should be “I do and I will”. This is the path that allows us to truly say, “I am yours!”