"Love Seeks to Understand," Part 2
/Last time ended with encouragement to prayerfully consider how to better understand your spouse. As we continue, think for a moment about problems you experience in relating to your mate. How many are associated with simply not understanding them? When they react differently to circumstances than you would and you don’t know why, it could be for reasons that make sense only to them. Whether we admit it or not, selfishness is a factor. We become frustrated when they don’t see things our way which in turn dampens our resolve to understand them.
The familiar saying, “Put yourself in their shoes,” exemplifies empathy. It is seeking to learn and respect their views, even if we don’t always agree with them. Failing to show empathy not only robs a chance for intimacy, but often leads to conflict. This is why it is worth the effort to study why they are the way they are. Philippians 2:3–4 calls for a mindset of being unselfish and looking to the interests of others.
Love Dare draws on Proverbs in offering steps for better understanding your spouse:
Ask questions. (See Proverbs 18:15) Love takes the initiative to begin conversations. If you want your spouse to open up and share their heart, they need to know that your desire for understanding is authentic.
Listen. (See Proverbs 8:2) Studies show most people are poor listeners. We often focus on what we want to say next and also wrongly assume that we understand what we are hearing. To truly understand your partner, you need to willingly and attentively listen to them, not merely tell them what you think. If they are not talkative, then gently and patiently encourage them.
Ask God for discernment. (See Proverbs 2:6) Differences such as gender, family background and life experiences can cloud our ability to know our mate’s heart and motivations. But God, the Giver of wisdom, can show you what you need to know so you can better love your spouse.
“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with precious and pleasant riches” (Proverbs 24:3–4). If you choose to genuinely study and understand your spouse, you will discover an amazing depth of beauty inside. Enter the mystery with expectation and enthusiasm. Desire to know them better than ever. In doing so, you will fill your marriage with riches that only love can provide.
In closing, I encourage you to explore some “bonus material”. One way to better understand and love your spouse is through learning to speak their love language. Pastor Todd and I created a video series on this subject that can be found on Bethesda’s website: http://c3ec.org/marriage
You can view these alone or, if your spouse is willing, try Pastor Kirk’s suggestion of watching them together as a “Date Night activity”. I hope you find them helpful.