"Love Fights Fair."
/Today, we continue examining marital conflict. This Love Dare chapter begins with a few previously covered “after the wedding changes”, such as discovering our spouse's flaws and how the “storms of life” challenge us. These set the stage for conflict, which every couple experiences to some degree. Today's message is not about driving all conflict out of your marriage; instead it is centered on healthier ways to handle it.
During conflict, we are at great risk for damaging our marriage or hurting our partner. It is when our pride is strongest, our anger is hottest and we are most selfish. Our words can be like poison, and we are vulnerable to making bad decisions.
But love can intervene. Love reminds us that our marriage is too value to destroy – and that love for our spouse is more important than whatever we are fighting about. It steers us back on course and can actually lead to greater unity, not less. Couples who successfully handle conflict tend to be deeper connected, more trusting and more intimate.
Learning how to “fight fair” through rules of engagement is key. These help guide our response in heated situations. There are two basic sets: “we” boundaries and “me” boundaries.
“We” boundaries are agreed upon principles which either spouse can gently apply during an argument. Taking time to establish these when you’re not in the midst of conflict can be a significant investment in the health of your marriage. Examples include:
Never mention divorce.
Do not bring up unrelated items from the past.
Never fight in public or in front of children.
Either spouse can call a time out if the conflict becomes unsafe.
Never threaten or touch your spouse in a harmful way.
Never go to bed angry with one another.
Failure is not an option. We will do whatever it takes to work it out.
“Me” boundaries are rules you follow on your own, such as
Listen before speaking. James 1:19 says “Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” This means respectfully asking questions instead of making assumptions or unleashing accusations.
Openly deal with your own issues. Matthew 7:3 reminds us not to look at the speck in another’s eye while ignoring the log in ours. If you find you are wrong, admitting it and apologizing can relieve the tension.
Speak calmly and gently (Proverbs 15:1). If you remain calm, it is likely your spouse will also stay calm. Let how you speak reflect love, regardless of what the argument is about.
Fighting fair means changing our weapons. Learn to disagree with dignity and to build bridges instead of burning them down. Love is not a fight — but it is always worth fighting for!