"Love Promotes Intimacy," Part 1

Throughout our lives, we become close to a handful of people that we are willing to trust with our deepest secrets. It may be a parent, sibling, best friend or coworker. But nothing rivals the closeness that can be experienced between a husband and wife. God designed marriage to be the most intimate of all human relationships — emotionally, physically and spiritually. Intimacy is commonly defined as being “fully known, yet fully loved” and marriage provides the framework for opening our hearts to each other. This theme will focus on “knowledge and emotional aspects” such as sharing secrets and feelings along with the ability to freely discuss sensitive issues.

Intimacy is not only complex and delicate, but also unique for each couple. Sadly, many marriages lack the intimacy that God desires. It can be a great blessing, but it can potentially be its greatest danger as well. A spouse who knows us intimately can love us beyond expectations or wound us deeply in ways that are difficult to recover from. This is the fire and fear of marriage – and it is also the reason why creating a safe place for intimacy is vital.

A spouse who has been wounded from the environment they grew up in and/or from marriage itself will often create barriers that block intimacy. A “drift towards isolation”, which occurs when our love is not intentional, is another pathway that erodes intimacy. Would you describe the atmosphere of your marriage as open and trustworthy for the sharing of your hearts?

If a marriage isn’t “emotionally safe”, temptation will arise to fill the need or find a substitute for intimacy through other means. Some may devote themselves to their job, intensely focus on their children/other family members or even become heavily involved in charitable/religious activities. These might seem admirable, but when excessive they can be detrimental to a marriage. Another alternative is immersing oneself in hobbies, home projects, etc. And then there are the sinful, destructive behaviors - affairs, pornography, alcoholism, addictions, and more.

Sometimes an extreme may occur where one or both spouses shun rather than seek intimacy. Dr. Doug Weiss coined the term “Intimacy Anorexia” and defines it as the “active withholding of emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy from the spouse.” In a nutshell, they feel too vulnerable to open up, fearing they will get hurt if their spouse sees their faults. To prevent this, they intentionally avoid or push away their partner. This is often accomplished through tactics such as busyness, blame, and withholding of love, praise, sex, and spirituality. The anorexic struggles to process emotions normally so criticism, silence, and manipulation are also common. These actions can seriously grieve an “intimacy starved spouse” and may destroy a marriage.

This is a difficult place to pause, but it’s time to end. In preparation for next week, I encourage you to reflect on your current level of intimacy and consider what your marriage look like if it increased. God bless.