"Love Promotes Intimacy," Part 2

Last week, we examined situations where intimacy is lacking. The good news is that love can overcome these problems. 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.” Intimacy is impossible when fear is present because a person will avoid the vulnerability of sharing their heart. Each marriage is unique, so there is no single formula for increasing intimacy. There are however, a few fundamentals.

1. A safe environment. This is one where your spouse is not pressured to be perfect in order to receive your attention, approval and affection. They are loved despite their faults. This means non-harmful secrets and feelings may simply need to be accepted for what they are as part of their background and personality, even if you don’t like it. But what if they divulge a sinful or destructive behavior? Scripture tells us not to accept or encourage this. The key is to resist criticizing, listen compassionately and then gently speak the truth in love.
2. Trust. When your spouse offends you, first consider if it was truly intentional versus accidental – and also if you overreacted because you would have done something differently. This, along with your response to either welcome or reject them, will influence whether they see you as a refuge who won’t condemn them versus someone who will punish them. The former builds trust and invites intimacy; the latter will wound and further distance them.
3. Gratitude. Remember the recent “wise farmer” message? We noted the futility of complaining and instead, emphasized the need to nurture your spouse’s heart through prayer. Living with gratitude cultivates intimacy. Learn to be thankful for the good in your spouse instead of dwelling on their weaknesses. (See “Love believes the best,” Part 3”)

4. Grace. Our God and creator knows us more intimately than anyone ever will (see Psalm 139). Despite our sin and ugliness, He loves and reaches out to us. It is an undeserved love and one we can never earn; it is grace. As Christ’s followers, we are called to extend grace in addressing and forgiving our spouse’s flaws. A grace filled marriage paves the way for intimacy to flourish.

Genuine intimacy doesn’t happen spontaneously. Like love, it requires an intentional and unselfish commitment. Remember to always start first in prayer! Intimacy takes time to develop, especially if it’s been previously shattered, so be patient. Slowly and steadily rebuild their trust. Move towards each other, not away, especially in tough times. Talk with, rather than avoid, your spouse. Listen with acceptance instead of judgment. Open up to make them feel emotionally safe and deeply loved. Seek reconciliation, not retribution.

Building real intimacy requires a lot of work and God’s help, but it’s worth the effort. It can transform a relationship from “living together as roommates” into a oneness that God desires. So no matter where your relationship currently stands, accept the challenge to increase your intimacy!