"Love Encourages" — Part 1

Marriage has a way of altering our vision. We often begin expecting our spouse to continually fulfill our dreams and make us happy. But this is impossible for anyone to sustain long term. Holding on to unrealistic expectations breeds disappointment. And the higher our expectations, the more likely our spouse will fail and frustrate us. Couples living like this set each other up for daily failure and will spend most of their marriage in constant disappointment. This can lead to a myriad of harmful behaviors and serious consequences, including the possibility of divorce.

In Matthew 7:4-5, Jesus admonishes us to focus on our own problems by calling us hypocrites when we attempt to remove the speck from another’s eye while ignoring the log in our own. That is why love emphasizes personal responsibility and improving ourselves rather than demanding more from others.

Does your spouse feel like they are living with a “speck inspector?” Do they walk on eggshells fearing that they are not living up to your expectations? Do they sense most days your disapproval more than acceptance and encouragement?

Maybe you would answer these questions by saying the problem is with them, not you. If they really fall short in several key areas, why is it your fault? You may believe it takes both of you doing everything possible to make your marriage work. Your spouse may see you as overly critical, but you feel the issues are legitimate and that you should be able to point out genuine problem areas. (Important aside: There is a place for speaking “the truth in love” – and someday, we will examine that in another message. But that’s different from what we are talking about here.)

Whether your assessment is true or not, the problem with the above attitude is that few people will respond to criticism with joyful inspiration. When your spouse clearly perceives that you are always unhappy, whether by direct confrontation or the silent treatment, they will likely feel deflated instead of motivated. After all, your relationship began with both of you bending over backwards to please the other.

So what are we to do? We begin by recognizing, then addressing at least two major problems in all this. First, we are too often focused on ourselves. We’ve talked extensively about selfishness before, so I won’t go into further detail here. The second issue is that we forget, and do not accommodate for, the fact that our spouse is an imperfect being. We need to be humble, understand that our spouse is human, and learn to extend the grace that God has given us. It’s time to change our thinking and choose to live by encouragement rather than expectations. This is how love can help us grow closer to one another!