"Love Encourages" — Part 2

Last week’s message focused on problems that arise if we constantly live with high expectations. When hopes are dashed daily, our natural reaction is to communicate frustration with our spouse. Rather than motivate them to do things differently, this will likely cause them to either walk away or dig in deeper.

But love is too smart for that. Instead of putting your spouse in a difficult position where they are set up to fail, love exhorts you to give them grace and room to be themselves. You may be a goal-oriented person who places high demands on yourself, but love calls you to lead by example and not force those same standards on your partner. God designed marriage to be enjoyed and savored. It is a unique relationship where two flawed people live together in imperfection, yet deal with it through encouragement, not endless opposition. Proverbs frequently speaks about the value of encouragement and wisdom. Paul urges us to encourage and build up one another (see Ephesians 4:29 and 1 Thessalonians 5:11), as does Hebrews 3:13 and 10:24.

If your spouse remarks that you make them feel beaten down and defeated, then take their words to heart. It’s your choice whether to be a critical anchor holding them down or an encouraging soul helping them soar. Being with you should recharge and uplift them, not wear them out. And remember, God is not done with your spouse yet! Resist the temptation to do His job. Resist even praying for Him to “fix them.” Pray instead to be a patient spouse who will encourage and love them well.

It is time to stop expecting our spouse to understand all we are thinking, desire all we want, and fulfill all we hope for. Even if they wish they could, they can’t. They are not supposed to. It is not part of God’s plan. Now this does not imply that it is wrong to share your feelings and needs with your spouse. It is a question of how you do so. Gary Chapman notes in The 5 Love Languages that love makes requests, not demands. Requests give guidance to love and creates the possibility for a loving response; a demand suffocates that possibility.

Chapman also focuses on the importance of encouraging words and actions. Encouragement requires empathy and seeing things from their perspective. Our spouse often has more potential than we appreciate, perhaps even more than they realize, but insecurities can hold them back. So love’s goal is to communicate through encouragement that you care and believe in their abilities.

Let’s conclude with a simple question. Would you like your marriage to be a place where you can openly express who you are and grow in a safe environment that encourages you, even when you fail? Well, your spouse wants that too! It is your love that gives them that opportunity. So let your spouse be inspired by your appreciation and empowered by your sincere prayers. Focus on their strengths and praise them for what they do well. Lift them with encouraging words and actions to new heights. Doing so will help them gain a new confidence and love that will inspire your marriage for years to come.