"Cruciform Love" - Part 2

Today we shift our focus from defining Cruciform Love to seeing what it looks like in action. To do so, I have condensed Paul Tripp’s 22 point list into five major areas.

I. Love is willing to invest time & energy.

Love is willing to have your life complicated and interrupted by your spouse’s needs. One of love’s greatest challenge is to abandon your comfortable and predictable life in order to fulfill the needs of another. This includes being a good student of your spouse so you can help bear their burden and encourage them. (See “Love seeks to understand” - 1/22/21). Love also calls you to invest the necessary time to discuss, examine, and understand the problems you face as a couple. Problems will come, but remember that God can use them to take you beyond your limits and live together in dependency on him.

II. Love battles selfishness.

Tripp says, “The DNA of sin is selfishness”. And because of this, we put “the kingdom of self” before the Kingdom of God. But real love seeks vertical fulfillment so it can serve horizontally. Love fights the battle within your heart by saying no to selfish instincts. It is unwilling to manipulate or deceive your spouse into giving you what you want. It is not complaining or demanding. Entitlement is harmful to marriage and can turn blessings into needs that we feel deserving of. But true love is other-centered and other-motivated. It looks for specific ways to serve, support, and encourage, even when you are busy or tired.

Love also makes sacrifices for the unity of your marriage without asking anything in return or placing your spouse in your debt. At times, it is easy to love – romantic occasions, when your spouse has anticipated and met a need, or when they communicate how much they appreciate and respect you. But cruciform love goes beyond these mountain-top moments and is at work when life is busy, boring, or difficult. It does not quit in the face of disappointment. Real love calls us to sacrifice.

III. Love handles marital conflict with grace.

Love fights the temptation to be judgmental toward your spouse because critical responses are often rooted in self-righteousness. Instead, it looks for ways to encourage and praise. Love also resists needless moments of conflict that result from pointing out or responding to minor offenses. Remember, you are a flawed person living with another flawed person. You married a “person in process” that God is still working on.

Love is being honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding. When confronted by your spouse, it is willing to examine your heart, admit your weaknesses, and seek forgiveness. Love fights the defensive instincts to be self-righteous, offer an excuse, or shift the blame.

Love is unwilling to do what is wrong when you have been wronged. It is tempting to hurt another when we have been hurt, but love looks for specific ways to overcome wrong with good. To do this, we need God’s grace to intervene and strengthen us.

Next week, we conclude with two more points plus a few final thoughts. Until then, God bless you and your marriage.

"Cruciform Love" - Part 1

Let’s build on last week’s sacrificial love theme using material from Paul Tripp’s “What did you Expect?” Tripp draws upon 1 John 4:7-21, so I encourage you to pause and read it. He asserts that the best definition of love comes from the most significant event in human history - the Cross. Jesus’ sacrifice is the perfect picture of what love is and does. And in this passage, John calls us to “cruciform love” — a love that shapes itself to the cross of Jesus (see verses 10 & 11).

Here is Tripp’s definition of cruciform love: “Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving.” Now let’s see how he breaks it down.

• Love is willing. You cannot force a person to love. The decisions, words, and actions of love must always come from a willing heart.

• Love is willing self-sacrifice. Throughout this series, we often remark how love goes beyond our own needs and feelings. There is no true love without sacrifice as it calls you to serve, wait, suffer, and forgive - time and again.

• Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another. Love always focuses on the good of another. It is motivated by their interests, excited to meet their needs, wants the best for them, and seeks to deliver.

• Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation. Love isn’t a negotiation for mutual good and does not seek a personal reward. It is driven by the good that will result in the life of the person being loved.

• Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving. Jesus died on the cross because we could never earn, achieve or deserve the love of God. Tripp asserts that if we only love people who we feel are deserving, we are not motivated by love for others, but by love for ourselves. Love does its best when the other person is undeserving.

Marriage constantly calls us to be willing, to sacrifice, to consider the good of our spouse, to love without seeking reciprocation, and to offer what has not been deserved. If you wonder, “Where we get this kind of love?” John answers that as well. “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Love doesn’t grow out of duty, it grows from gratitude. Gratitude for the love that God lavishes on us and that we, as Christians, strive to share.

So ask yourself, “Is your marriage motivated by cruciform love that is God inspired, other-focused, self-sacrificing and willing? Have you made and are you living out this commitment? Where do you need to seek forgiveness and commit to God’s way of loving?” Next week we will look at a few concrete examples of how cruciform love thinks and acts.

"Love Makes Sacrifices"

People frequently comment that “Life can be hard”. But let’s be honest, we usually see this as our life is hard. We’re the first ones to feel it when things are tough for us. And we are quick to express our displeasure when we feel deprived or unappreciated. When our life is difficult, we notice.

Sadly, we often don’t notice life is tough for our spouse until they start complaining about it. And instead of sincerely caring and sharing their burdens, we may simply conclude that they have a bad attitude. The pain and pressure they are under doesn’t register with us nearly as much as our pain and pressure. When we complain, we want everyone to understand and sympathize with us. Yet we tend not to do so for our mate.

But when love is at work, it is a different story. Love does not need to be jarred awake by your spouse’s obvious distress. Instead, love goes into action before problems overwhelm your spouse. It foresees trouble mounting on the horizon and responds. That’s because love invites you to be sensitive to your spouse.

Love makes sacrifices. It keeps you so focused on what your spouse needs that you learn to take action without being asked. And when you fail to notice an emerging problem and need to be told, love jumps in to help. Even if your spouse expresses their stress through personal accusation, love looks beyond it to see a hurting person crying out for help. Rather than becoming defensive, love shows compassion and seeks to meet their needs. It lifts you from the self-pity of how you are being treated and turns your attention to your spouse.

When they are overwhelmed, love calls you to sacrifice your personal agenda to rescue them. Often, they may just want to talk through their problem and need a listening ear. They desire your attention, to know that you truly care, and that you are willing to help. They need you to pray with them about finding solutions and to follow up on how they are doing. (Important sidenote: A spouse is often seeking just this and not a full list of solutions. Resist giving “fix it” responses unless they truly ask for it.)

1 John paints a beautiful and detailed picture of sacrificial love. 1 John 3:16 tells how Jesus laid down His life for us and that we ought to lay down our lives for others. Jesus willingly took our problems on Himself and extends us grace to do so for others. And He can give us unique insight and abilities to help our spouse, no matter how simple or complex the problem may be.

So think about your spouse’s greatest needs at this very moment. Is there a burden you can help them carry through a sacrifice on your part? Whether big or small, commit to doing whatever you can to meet their need. Over time and with God’s help, this may blossom into a new habit of sacrificially loving and caring for your spouse. As Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

"Love Encourages" — Part 2

Last week’s message focused on problems that arise if we constantly live with high expectations. When hopes are dashed daily, our natural reaction is to communicate frustration with our spouse. Rather than motivate them to do things differently, this will likely cause them to either walk away or dig in deeper.

But love is too smart for that. Instead of putting your spouse in a difficult position where they are set up to fail, love exhorts you to give them grace and room to be themselves. You may be a goal-oriented person who places high demands on yourself, but love calls you to lead by example and not force those same standards on your partner. God designed marriage to be enjoyed and savored. It is a unique relationship where two flawed people live together in imperfection, yet deal with it through encouragement, not endless opposition. Proverbs frequently speaks about the value of encouragement and wisdom. Paul urges us to encourage and build up one another (see Ephesians 4:29 and 1 Thessalonians 5:11), as does Hebrews 3:13 and 10:24.

If your spouse remarks that you make them feel beaten down and defeated, then take their words to heart. It’s your choice whether to be a critical anchor holding them down or an encouraging soul helping them soar. Being with you should recharge and uplift them, not wear them out. And remember, God is not done with your spouse yet! Resist the temptation to do His job. Resist even praying for Him to “fix them.” Pray instead to be a patient spouse who will encourage and love them well.

It is time to stop expecting our spouse to understand all we are thinking, desire all we want, and fulfill all we hope for. Even if they wish they could, they can’t. They are not supposed to. It is not part of God’s plan. Now this does not imply that it is wrong to share your feelings and needs with your spouse. It is a question of how you do so. Gary Chapman notes in The 5 Love Languages that love makes requests, not demands. Requests give guidance to love and creates the possibility for a loving response; a demand suffocates that possibility.

Chapman also focuses on the importance of encouraging words and actions. Encouragement requires empathy and seeing things from their perspective. Our spouse often has more potential than we appreciate, perhaps even more than they realize, but insecurities can hold them back. So love’s goal is to communicate through encouragement that you care and believe in their abilities.

Let’s conclude with a simple question. Would you like your marriage to be a place where you can openly express who you are and grow in a safe environment that encourages you, even when you fail? Well, your spouse wants that too! It is your love that gives them that opportunity. So let your spouse be inspired by your appreciation and empowered by your sincere prayers. Focus on their strengths and praise them for what they do well. Lift them with encouraging words and actions to new heights. Doing so will help them gain a new confidence and love that will inspire your marriage for years to come.

"Love Encourages" — Part 1

Marriage has a way of altering our vision. We often begin expecting our spouse to continually fulfill our dreams and make us happy. But this is impossible for anyone to sustain long term. Holding on to unrealistic expectations breeds disappointment. And the higher our expectations, the more likely our spouse will fail and frustrate us. Couples living like this set each other up for daily failure and will spend most of their marriage in constant disappointment. This can lead to a myriad of harmful behaviors and serious consequences, including the possibility of divorce.

In Matthew 7:4-5, Jesus admonishes us to focus on our own problems by calling us hypocrites when we attempt to remove the speck from another’s eye while ignoring the log in our own. That is why love emphasizes personal responsibility and improving ourselves rather than demanding more from others.

Does your spouse feel like they are living with a “speck inspector?” Do they walk on eggshells fearing that they are not living up to your expectations? Do they sense most days your disapproval more than acceptance and encouragement?

Maybe you would answer these questions by saying the problem is with them, not you. If they really fall short in several key areas, why is it your fault? You may believe it takes both of you doing everything possible to make your marriage work. Your spouse may see you as overly critical, but you feel the issues are legitimate and that you should be able to point out genuine problem areas. (Important aside: There is a place for speaking “the truth in love” – and someday, we will examine that in another message. But that’s different from what we are talking about here.)

Whether your assessment is true or not, the problem with the above attitude is that few people will respond to criticism with joyful inspiration. When your spouse clearly perceives that you are always unhappy, whether by direct confrontation or the silent treatment, they will likely feel deflated instead of motivated. After all, your relationship began with both of you bending over backwards to please the other.

So what are we to do? We begin by recognizing, then addressing at least two major problems in all this. First, we are too often focused on ourselves. We’ve talked extensively about selfishness before, so I won’t go into further detail here. The second issue is that we forget, and do not accommodate for, the fact that our spouse is an imperfect being. We need to be humble, understand that our spouse is human, and learn to extend the grace that God has given us. It’s time to change our thinking and choose to live by encouragement rather than expectations. This is how love can help us grow closer to one another!

"Love is Responsible" — Part 2

Two important actions were mentioned at the end of last week’s message — confess and repent. As we conclude, we will learn more about how they integrate with responsibility. And we will also see how these three relate to another essential element we have discussed before — forgiveness.

Let’s begin with repentance. This is far more than a simple “I’m sorry” or a quick fix to defuse a difficult situation. It requires a sincere apology and intent to correct a wrongful behavior going forward. As imperfect beings, we continue to mess up (see Romans 7:15–20), but this does not excuse us from trying to do better. Growing a heart of repentance takes time and practice because our pride resists responsibility. However, humility and honesty before God and your spouse are crucial to a healthy marriage. This doesn’t mean you are always in the wrong or should become a doormat. But if something is not right between you and God or between you and your spouse, correcting that is a priority.

Do you take responsibility for your failures in your marriage? Have you said or done things to your spouse that are wrong? What about with God? 1 John 1:8-9 explains that if we say we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. But if we confess, God will forgive our sins. Denial means living a lie, while confession allows us to receive God’s mercy.

The same applies in marriage. Sincere apologies can bring amazing breakthroughs. They can tear down walls of resistance, rebuild relational bridges, improve effective communication, and restore feelings of affection. Even if your spouse is ninety percent wrong, the sooner you offer a heartfelt apology for your ten percent, the sooner healing can begin and the relationship can be restored.

Take a moment to honestly reflect on whether you have wronged your spouse in some way and never made it right. If you have, then now is the time to humble yourself, confess your offenses, offer a genuine apology, and seek reconciliation. Doing so is an act of love. God wants no unresolved issues between you and your spouse. Pray through your areas of responsibility and shortcomings and ask for God’s forgiveness. Once you have done that, then repair the damage with your spouse.

To do this sincerely calls for swallowing your pride and seeking forgiveness, regardless of how your spouse responds. This starts with dealing with your issues, not theirs, and continuing whether they react kindly or coldly. This may be one of the most difficult things you will ever do, but it is vital to improving your relationship with both your spouse and with God. When your heart is sincere, you may be surprised by the grace and strength that He gives you to do this. Love always takes responsibility for its actions!

"Love is Responsible" — Part 1

The Kendrick brothers hit a home run writing this chapter, so much of what you will read comes directly from their book. They start by noting many research-proven benefits of marriage. Married people are overall happier, healthier, more productive, live longer, and have better sex lives. They also produce healthier, happier children. The takeaway is that our spouse can add a tremendous amount of value to our lives. But the benefits depend on how responsible we are at taking proper care of our marriages. That’s why taking personal responsibility is one of love’s greatest requests. Responsibility is not always fun or popular, but it is vital in determining whether a marriage is a glorious oneness or a devastating failure.

A marriage is a living relationship under the care of both the husband and wife. The more responsible you are to fulfill your vows, roles, and duties, the more likely you will enjoy the many delights that come with it. But if you shirk your responsibility, the consequences can be painful and divisive. Love Dare warns that a husband shouldn’t expect healthy children and great bedroom intimacy without lifting a finger to help his wife around the house or raise the kids. Likewise, it is foolish for a wife to hope for financial stability and a happy marriage, yet spend without limits and refuse to meet her husband’s sexual needs. Love and wisdom urges us not to neglect our responsibilities.

How well are you honoring what you promised on your wedding day? Is your marriage blooming under your care, or is it wilting? Are you making your spouse carry all the weight, or do you look for ways to lighten their load? Love calls us to take full responsibility for our partner — to love, cherish, and help them.

Love also compels us to take responsibility for something else — our own mistakes. We are often quick to defend them and deflect criticism. And one common and easy way is to attack the closest target – our spouse. We are sometimes deceived into thinking that we are “more correct” than they are and that in a difficult situation, anyone else would have reacted the same way we did. But love doesn’t shift blame or justify wrongs. Rather, it willingly faces our personal weakness and failures that need to be addressed.

The next time you argue with your spouse, pause for a moment and consider if there is any truth in what they are saying. If so, humbly accept their criticism and take responsibility for what you did rather than resorting to defensive tactics. Love is wise, accepts the truth, and is willing to admit and correct faults. Love confesses, repents, changes and thirsts for reconciliation.

We will continue exploring responsibility next week. Until then, take time to reflect on its importance as you continue seeking and following God’s design for your marriage.

"Love Forgives — Part 2"

Last week ended in a dark and difficult position – in prison due to unforgiveness. Each of us has likely been there at some point in our lives, but obviously it is not where we want to spend our time. We previously mentioned that Jesus holds the key to freedom, so keep this in mind as we consider three key questions on forgiveness.

Why should we forgive? We cannot change the past, but we can choose to forgive by not keeping a record of wrongs. Paul Tripp notes that failing to repent and forgive will cause a marriage to be ‘stuck’ in the past — stuck in a cycle of blame, hopelessness, and repeating the same things over and over again without resolution.

When you forgive someone, it does not mean you are declaring them innocent. And it does not remove their blame or clear them with God. It simply removes you from judging and punishing them. This is not about winning or losing — it’s about freedom! It is about letting go. It is about extending the mercy that you have been given by God through Jesus Christ his son. People who genuinely forgive often feel a weight has been lifted off their shoulders. It is freedom and release from the jail within your heart — not only of those who wronged you, but also for yourself.

But how do you do it? You release your anger by turning the matter over to God, the perfect judge in all things. Romans 12:19 tells us to not take revenge and instead, let God handle it. If you still feel the need to confront someone about their transgression, do so in accordance with Matthew 18:15 which says, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.” Or perhaps try Galatians 6:1–4.

How do you know you have done it? Rather than anger, you will feel genuine compassion when you think of them, hear their name, or see them. You will pray for them, instead of punishing them. Because God is judge of all, Jesus says in Mark 11:25, “And when you stand praying, and if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them so that your Father in heaven may forgive your sins.” Matthew 18:22 further adds that we should never stop forgiving them. Forgiveness is often a process, and it can take a long time. You may need to forgive multiple time for the same thing, before you experience peace in your heart.

Without forgiveness, bitterness will poison your marriage and destroy it. So here is this week’s encouragement: Whatever you haven’t forgiven in your spouse, ask God for the grace to forgive today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to forgive us our debts, we also ask Him to help us forgive our debtors. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long. It’s time to say from your heart, “I choose to forgive.”

"Love Forgives — Part 1"

After spending considerable time on “Love protects”, we now transition to our next topic, “Love forgives”. I tend to view protection as a proactive step to avoid a problem, whereas forgiveness is a response when something has gone wrong. The Kendricks call forgiveness one of the toughest challenges of Love Dare. They go on to say that “Forgiveness has to happen, or a successful marriage won’t.” Tim Keller makes this powerful statement: “I don’t know anything more important in marriage than the ability to forgive fully, freely, unpunishingly, from the heart.” I believe these statements hold true for any marriage, but perhaps especially so for troubled marriages because the chance of rebuilding without forgiveness is impossible.

Numerous Bible stories and passages illustrate forgiveness. Love Dare chooses the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35). As a summary, a king mercifully forgives his servant a massive debt. The servant however, is unwilling to forgive another of a trivial debt. Furious, the king casts the servant into prison. The meaning behind this story is straightforward: God is the king while we are the servant. And Jesus uses this to teach us that since God forgives a debt we could never repay, then by His grace, we can forgive each other.

The Kendricks next paint a chilling analogy. When we are unwilling to forgive others, we create a prison within our heart. It may be filled by those who have wounded us as a child, or perhaps former friends that betrayed us. Family members may be there too. And sadly, even our spouse may be trapped in this jail of our own making. Often, we find our lack of forgiveness actually traps us in a prison of bitterness and pride, which can prevent our healing.

But a better ending is possible. Through God’s grace, Jesus offers us the key to set everyone free – but only if we are willing to forgive. This seems like the obvious choice, but it is difficult for some. There is too much pain and anger. He is asking too much and we may not want any part of it. We see it as “risky” because what the other person did was wrong and hurtful. To make it worse, they may deny what they did, not be sorry about it, feel justified, or even blame us for what happened. Regardless of the circumstance and reasons, our unforgiveness will make us a prisoner — like the servant in the parable who was thrown in jail.

We will continue from here next week, but let's close today with this Love Dare thought. “The romance, intimacy, and enjoyment of your marriage is greatly dependent upon your mutual commitment to allow no unforgiveness to exist between the two of you. Healthy marriages are not produced by people who don’t hurt each other, only by people who choose daily to keep no record of wrongs (see 1 Corinthians 13:5).”

"Love Protects — A Different Perspective" (Part 2)

Last week concentrated on how and why marriages fail. Today we will hear from Paul Tripp on ways to protect against this. First, recall his statement that marriage occurs within the battlefield of spiritual warfare. This means a marriage must be vertically aligned with God before it can be horizontally aligned with your spouse. The place to win this battle is on your knees in prayer. We cannot quit seeking God’s help for our marriage. Every day we face temptations and unexpected issues. Every day we are called to fight against what is wrong. Every day we are called to sacrifice something in order to capture an opportunity to love.

Marriage is designed to do several things many of us never thought of. First, to realize that we are not up to the task. God uses marriage as a tool to teach us how to give, love, serve, forgive, encourage and wait. Marriage is not meant to be a destination; it is not an end in itself. So God is not only working to form your marriage into what He designed it to be, but also to reform you into what He created you to be. This might make you feel weak because the bar is set high. That’s actually a good thing because it drives us to God. Remember, our marriage is actually in greater danger when we rely on our own strength and wisdom.

Prayer can be a transforming power in both your individual life and marriage. It reminds you of the context of your marriage — it is not a situation or location; the context is God. Prayer also reminds us of the reality of our marriage; that it is a constant dance between sin and grace. Sin is the reason for the problems of our marriage while grace is the hope of dealing with them. Therefore, we need to be reconciled daily to God — and to one another.

Most marriages start out well with attention to and actions of love. Unfortunately, “comfort and busyness” often overwhelm us, so we stop doing the necessary work. This leads to erosion in our relationship. The movement of marriage seldom happens in one giant step; it is usually through ten thousand little steps. But prayer can protect by keeping us mindful.

Prayer pushes us in the right direction. And Tripp even illustrates how the Lord’s prayer can apply to marriage. It reminds us that we are not alone and “protects us from ourselves.” It reminds us that God’s purpose for our marriage is always bigger than our marriage itself. Real unity begins when a couple stops trying to set an agenda for their marriage and instead, pursues God’s agenda together. It reminds us that we are needy and dependent on God. It reminds us of God’s call to show the same grace to your spouse that He has given you. And finally, it reminds us that the key to a marriage of unity, understanding, and love is rooted in God’s kingdom, not ours.

Remember, no marriage is safe — all need protection from a multitude of threats. So no matter how long you have been married, no matter how much you have learned, grown, and changed, keeping fighting for your marriage in prayer!

"Love Protects — A Different Perspective" (Part 1)

Protecting our marriage is crucial because it does not exist in a vacuum; it exists within the battlefield of spiritual warfare. Marriages not only face external threats, but can also be undermined from within. Paul Tripp lists six fundamentals for a healthy Christian marriage, including “We will work to protect our marriage.” We recently studied the need to protect against harmful behaviors and catastrophic issues. Tripp focuses on a different perspective — how marriages can suffer from a culmination of little things that causes a couple to drift apart.

When trials confront a marriage, there are two response options. A couple can stand together to fight what threatens it, or they can stand apart and keep a record of what their spouse does to make the marriage difficult. The first choice leads to seeking God, sacrificing for each other, and knowing that love requires work. The second leads to escaping separately, looking out for themselves, and is done with the work of love.

Tripp contends that marriages often fail not because they were bad. Rather, it was a good marriage that reached the point where a couple felt they could relax. They quit watching, working and praying. They started coasting. This side of heaven, we can’t be sinners living with a sinner and coast. We need to accept the call to work on our marriage daily to make it what God intends it to be. We need to learn to live with our eyes and heart wide open.

Your marriage may be great, but it is not safe! Daily temptations are constant threats and things will go wrong if you believe you no longer have to work on your marriage. Here is what coasting may look like:

1. Visual lethargy. We don’t notice changes because at some point we stopped looking and paying attention.

2. Habit inconsistency. A good marriage is the result of good attitudes which results in practicing good habits. Falling into complacency leads to habit inconsistency until eventually, the marriage reaches a point of seemingly insurmountable problems.

3. Laziness. This is destructive to anything that needs to be maintained, including marriage. We simply lack the desire to do the necessary work.

4. Impatience. Every marriage is in the middle of a lifelong process of change. But in our impatience, we often repeat the same problems over and over rather than learn how to solve them.

5. Responding in Discouragement. There is a point in life where many couples quit responding in faith, hope, and love. Instead, they begin to respond with discouragement and fear. We tend not to make our best decisions when discouraged, and we usually regret decisions made out of fear.

6. Dining with the enemy. Doing any of the above invites Satan into a marriage to do his nasty work of deceit, division, and destruction. Remember, marriage is spiritual warfare!

God stands ready to help us protect our marriage against all threats, but we must be willingly to do the necessary work. We need to be committed to watch and pray no matter how good things are, respond in hope no matter how bad things seem, and remember that we are never alone!

"Love vs. Lust"

The natural progression of lust is from eyes to heart to action, followed by shame and regret. God provides everything necessary for full, productive lives. He even blesses us beyond our basic needs through His Word, love, and Spirit. Yet we still want more, so we foolishly chase worldly pleasures. Lust often results in trying to fulfill selfish desires in illegitimate ways. For some, this may mean pursuing sexual fulfillment through fantasy, pornography or an affair.

Lust however, is not confined to sexual desires. People also lust after money, possessions, power, status, and more. We see what others have and want it. Our hearts are deceived into thinking we will be happier if we can somehow obtain the object of our desire. And so, we go after it. Some even justify this by claiming they are “entitled to it.” But that is the world’s view, not God’s.

Lust stands in opposition to love. It is restless and, like an addiction, always wants more. Even with a sensational spouse, lust can still leave someone feeling dissatisfied. It fuels anger, numbs hearts, and destroys marriages. Lust leads to emptiness, not satisfaction.

Instead of being grateful for God’s blessings, we crave things beyond His established boundaries. We allow these desires to replace God as the source of our future happiness; they become idols in our heart. It is time to realize that lust is a misguided thirst for a satisfaction that only God can provide. It is a warning that we are not allowing God’s love to fill us.

God is not denying us pleasure nor calling us to surrender all our desires for nothing in return. He is simply directing us away from sinful and unsatisfying things to discover instead the greater pleasure found in Him. He wants us to discover that nothing truly satisfies like Jesus.

What worldly things are luring your eyes and heart away? Are you tired of chasing sinful pleasures that fail to fulfill you long term? Can you admit that you don’t need them? Like last week, Love Dare issues another strong challenge: “Identify any obsession or object of lust in your life and end it now. Expose any lie you’ve swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to hide in the closet — it must be totally destroyed. Focus on thanking God for satisfying your needs.”

1 John 2:15–17 warns that the world and its lusts are passing away. If we love the world, then the love of the Father is not in us. So seek God, dive into His word, and let it fill your heart. Confess any lust as sin and allow the joy of His forgiveness to replace your guilt and shame. Choose to fully receive His love and be grateful for all He gives you rather than focusing on what you don’t have. And as you draw closer to the Lord, set your heart on loving your spouse with Christ-like love.

"Love Protects," Part 2

Today, we continue our discussion on Love Protects by examining two more issues that threaten marriages.

Sexual temptation. We need to constantly be on guard concerning opposite-sex relationships, whether at work or elsewhere, to avoid having our heart “emotionally stolen” from our spouse. Social network sites and even staring at pictures of old friends and flames are additional avenues that can lure us away. Remember, Satan will deceptively use whatever means available to destroy marriages. Any relationship that draws our affection away from our spouse has already gone too far. Wisdom exhorts us to be extra cautious when around those we find most appealing and attractive. Keep them at a greater emotional distance to lessen the chance of sexual temptation.

The Kendrick brothers wrote Love Dare to accompany their movie Fireproof. In the middle of the film, there are two powerful scenes where the main character (Caleb) makes major decisions that transforms his life. The first is when he gives his life to Christ. The second is when he confronts his pornography addiction. This brings us to perhaps the most destructive behavior of all, and the one that Caleb battled against - parasites. A parasite is anything that attaches itself to a person and sucks the life out of their marriage. These are usually addictions like alcohol, drugs, gambling, or pornography. Yet more subtle forms can also rise to this level, including romantic novels or forms of entertainment that promote unrealistic images and expectations.

Parasites promise immediate pleasure, but they grow like a disease and consume an ever-increasing amount of our thoughts, time, and money. They steal our heart away from good things and those we love. Parasites create an all-consuming downward spiral where progressively more is required to achieve temporary satisfaction. The Apostle Paul often wrote about the battle of the flesh; parasites are among the worst of these. Plunging into them is like falling into a pit — the deeper you go, the harder it is to climb out. Often, we can’t do this on our own. If you are deeply entangled in a destructive habit, I encourage you to fervently seek God’s help as well as consider professional assistance.

Marriages seldom survive if parasites are present. If you truly love God and your spouse, you must destroy any addictions that rule your heart. If you don’t, they will destroy you. Wives, you have a role to protect your marriage. Guard your heart from anything that might steal it away. Do not put unfair expectations on your husband; instead encourage him to be a strong, godly man. Husbands, God has charged you with the responsibility to stand against anything that threatens your wife, marriage or family. This is no small role. It requires a heart of courage and a head for preemptive action. Take your role seriously.

I will end by directly quoting Love Dare’s challenge: “Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that is stealing your affections and turning your heart away from God and/or your spouse.”

"Love Protects," Part 1

“Love protects” follows closely on the heels of our trust and faithfulness themes. Every marriage will face a wide variety of threats, so “protection” can be analyzed from several different angles. Love Dare chooses to examine destructive behaviors that can sabotage and destroy individual lives as well as marriages. Responsibility, not indifference, is necessary to guard against these attacks. Love must be willing to fight to protect ourselves, our spouse, and our marriage.

The next three messages will cover difficult and sensitive material that will apply to some more than others. If your marriage is on solid ground, this may be less relevant to you than other themes we have covered. Nevertheless, I ask your indulgence as this will hopefully offer much needed encouragement for anyone dealing with these issues. Here are some major threats Love Dare addresses.

Misplaced priorities. We have previously seen how even good things can become harmful in excess. Common examples, such as work, friends, hobbies, and more, must be kept in proper balance. It is difficult to protect our marriage or family if we are not physically present or relationally engaged. Ironically, our own children can sometimes be a factor. Parenting is a key priority, indeed a covenant relationship, but a spouse should not prioritize this above their marriage. Children need to be raised on the foundation of a strong marriage - to see their parents demonstrating unconditional love for each other by honoring their vows, showing grace, and pursuing God. The reverse, trying to build or sustain a marriage based on parenting, will invariably weaken the marriage as well as potentially harm the children in the long run.

Unhealthy relationships. Not everyone is suited to be a trusted friend. This doesn’t mean they aren’t fun to be with or we should avoid them. But we need to be wise about who we confide in and seek counsel from. Steer clear of, or at least don’t take advice from, anyone who undermines your marriage. This may even include family members.

Harmful influences. Are you allowing certain routines to damage your relationships? TV, cell phones, iPads/laptops and other technology can be enjoyable additions to our lives. But they can also be destructive. Even watching “non-harmful" content can be a problem if it drains away countless hours from your spouse and family. Guard against things that deaden your mind and steal your time.

Shame. Everyone has flaws, and marriage will expose them to both you and your spouse. This makes us vulnerable to each other. Unless they are destructive and put you or your family in harm’s way, it is crucial to respect and protect these secrets. Love hides their shame from those who have no reason to know about it.

Next week, we will add two more to the list. Harmful behaviors are seldom discussed and can be difficult for some. If you repeatedly struggle with any of them, I strongly encourage you to seek trustworthy help. Possible sources include professional counselors, pastors, Bethesda’s care/marriage ministry program or a mentor. Always start in prayer, but also remember that God uses others to help. You don’t have to go it alone.

"Faithful Love"

Our previous “Love is faithful” message challenged us to love our spouse, even when they have lost interest in receiving it. Tim Keller’s book, “The Meaning of Marriage”, looks at faithful love from a different perspective - why to continue loving even when we have lost the feeling of love.

Biblical love needs to be an action far more than an emotion. The essence of this love, and Christian marriage as well, is a sacrificial commitment to the good of the other. It is not measured by how much you want to receive, but by how much you are willing to give of yourself.

Society increasingly treats marriage as a consumer relationship; one where an individual’s needs are more important than the relationship itself. This can lead to comparisons of how much we put into our marriage versus how much our spouse does. If we get as much or more out of it than what we put in, we are happy. But as we gradually discover each other’s flaws, we sometimes feel cheated. This may evoke a business-type response of “cutting expenditures when revenues are down”, so we put less effort into our marriage. Furthermore, we defend withholding our love by saying, “I can’t give love if I don’t feel it.” It is little wonder then that our culture advocates that when the thrill is gone, it’s time for a change. Many buy into this, leaving them vulnerable to situations that offer the promise of “getting the thrill back.”

A true Christian marriage however, is radically different because God established it as a covenant - vertically, to reflect Christ’s love for His church and horizontally, as one where the good of the relationship takes precedence over the needs of an individual. Marriage is designed to be the deepest relationship possible between two human beings. It also provides the framework for biblical love to thrive and creates a secure space where we can be vulnerable with our spouse.

Keller therefore views the wedding vow as a commitment to the covenantal relationship of marriage. It should not merely be a declaration of present love; rather a binding promise to faithfully love our spouse in the future, regardless of our feelings or circumstances. This is foundational because all marriages will encounter difficulties. During these times, our vows keep us from giving up too quickly and allows love the chance to do what is best.

So what about feelings? Powerful feelings of affection and delight will not last forever. A love that places feelings above unselfish actions will experience major problems as well as limit the growth of genuine relationships. Emotions are heavily influenced by external circumstances and therefore, are highly inconsistent. They are not readily under our control — but our actions are. The world says that feelings of love are the basis for actions of love. This may be true, but it is more correct to say that “faithful actions of love can lead to feelings of love.” When we consistently love someone, even when they are “unlovely”, they will eventually become lovely in our eyes.

Christ displayed history’s greatest act of love by dying on the cross. He loved us, not because we were lovely to Him, but to make us lovely.

So when your relationship is strained, remember that marriage is a covenant; a promise of future love. And regardless of your feelings, never abandon actions of faithful love for your spouse.

"Love is Faithful"

Love is the basis of Christianity; it’s what sets us apart. As God’s beloved children, Jesus commands us to love God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind as well as to love one another (Luke 10:27). But what happens when the love we were created to share is no longer accepted by our spouse? Love Dare uses Hosea’s story to answer this.

God instructs Hosea to marry an adulteress woman. This sounds crazy, but there is divine logic behind it. God wants this marriage to reflect the unconditional love that He has for His people. Hosea marries Gomer, but she was unwilling to remain faithful to him. She rejects his love for the lust of others. Later, God tells Hosea to show his love to his wife again. Now being sold as a slave, he pays to redeem Gomer and take her back.

Please know that Hosea’s story is unique. It should not be construed as a command to tolerate unrepentant adultery. The true interpretation is to see it as a picture of God’s faithful love for us, even when we are undeserving and spurn it. In Him, we have the model of what rejected love does. God continues showing us grace and mercy. He remains faithful.

Jesus’ call to love one another includes our enemies (Luke 6:27–35). On their wedding day, newlyweds never envision their spouse becoming an adversary; one that someday would be difficult to love and require painful sacrifice. Yet this is not uncommon and may lead to betrayal or unfaithfulness. For many, this is the beginning of the end. Some will move rapidly to divorce. Others may withdraw and dwell in silent misery. Some will live in marital détente. Several may even try to protect their reputation by falsely projecting a “content marriage.” But in all these situations, there is no intention of liking it or working harder, much less learning how to truly love again.

But this is not how Christians are to live. We are called to share God’s love with others. You’ve heard this before: Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not an impulsive response. So choose to be committed to love, even if your spouse has lost interest in receiving it. Say to them “I love you. And no matter what you do, I will never stop loving you.” Most importantly, back up your words with actions.

Faithful loving may be relatively easy for some while seemingly impossible for others. But regardless of where your relationship stands, do not take this issue lightly. Your hope of giving undeserved love to your spouse rests in God’s repeated giving of His undeserved love to you. Love is often expressed the most to those who deserve it the least. Ask Him to fill you with His love, then lavish it on your spouse in a manner that reflects your gratitude for God loving you. That’s the beauty of redeeming love. That’s the power of faithfulness!

"Where Are You God?"

This title may come as a surprise, yet many have asked this over the past year. Today, I am sharing a presentation by Dave & Ann Wilson from Family Life on this question that also connects with our past three messages. They first comment on our tendency to believe that everything in our lives, including marriage, will be easier if we just “add a little Jesus”. But the truth is, even faithful followers will experience “Valleys” of pain and suffering.

The Wilsons use Elijah’s story (read 1 Kings 17) as an example. He warned Israel’s evil King Ahab of a devastating drought. Though this caused Elijah to suffer and hide, he continued to trust in what God was doing. And God provided, initially delivering food by ravens and water from a brook. Later, God orchestrated Elijah meeting a widow. When he asked for water and food, he quickly discovered she lost all hope - she was about to prepare her last meal and die! Elijah however told her God’s instructions and to trust in what she could not see. In doing so, they were miraculously blessed with unending food. This story has several key takeaways:

• Both Elijah and the widow had opportunities to wonder “Where are you God?”

• Notice how God can meet us through others.

• When struggling, we need to ask both God and trusted others for help!

• Learn to trust what God says; not what we see! If we only look at what we see, we will often lose hope.

• God did not abandon Elijah, nor will He abandon us!

Even Christians sometimes ask “Why are we struggling?” in our marriage, our job, or other areas of life. During a difficult season, we may wonder if God sees our pain — or even if our marriage will make it. God does not always work in spectacular ways like the story of Elijah, but the truth is, He is always there. When we are in the valley, we often don’t feel His presence — and sadly, some walk away because of that. We need to trust God during our trials because “He often does His best work in the valleys.” Our greatest growth frequently comes from our most difficult seasons because God can use that pain to build us for something better.

Here are three thoughts about “pain in our lives”:

1. Our pain invites God’s presence. We think He doesn’t see us, but He is always there and at work. Trust Him!

2. God can use our pain not only to help us, but others as well…if we let Him. Never underestimate the pain around you — a lot of people choose to suffer in silence. But likewise, never underestimate the power of Jesus to turn that pain into something powerful!

3. “Our pain invites God’s purpose.” God can use it to point to His purpose in your life. Embrace it to help others! (See 2 Corinthians 1:3–4)

Every marriage will experience moments “in the valley.” When yours does, resist the despair you see before you. Instead of asking “Where are you God?”, know that He is waiting for you to seek Him, trust Him, and follow His plan to lift your marriage out of the valley!

"Love is Satisfied In God"

The first message of this trilogy, “Love is impossible”, identified that we are incapable of supplying unconditional love on our own. We followed this by acknowledging our need for Jesus, both individually and at the center of our marriage. If you have accepted Christ, the Holy Spirit dwells within you. It fills your heart with love, grace, and power which can be released into everything you do, including your marriage. But know that walking closely with God is not a part-time proposition; you need Him daily.

Many people believe money, power or accomplishments will make them happy. King Solomon had all this and more, but concluded it was all in vain (see Ecclesiastes Chapter 2). Yet when we feel unhappy, we often determine it is because we don’t have something that we want. So we foolishly chase happiness through earthly possessions and pleasures, end up missing God, and still remain unsatisfied. We fail to appreciate that God did not create earthly things to satisfy us more than Him. God desires an intimate relationship with us and to fill us with heavenly treasures such as love, joy and peace (Galatians 5:22–23).

In marriage, a common example of our misguided pursuit is when we repeatedly place expectations on our spouse. Sometimes they deliver; sometimes they don’t. The reality is that they will never be able to completely satisfy all our desires — partly because our demands may be unreasonable and partly because they are an imperfect human. This is not to discount your needs for love, intimacy, acceptance, peace, joy and adequacy. Rather, you need to stop expecting your spouse and others to be your constant source of fulfillment. It’s not fun for you or fair to them.

God, however, is dependable and unchanging. Our longing will only be satisfied when we seek the Creator Himself, not the objects of His creation. This comes through daily prayer, being in Scripture, and living obediently. God cares about your marriage. He wants it to succeed and is eager to help. Matthew 19:26 says, “with God all things are possible.” This does not mean He will give us everything we think we need, or that our marriage will be problem free (see Genesis 3:16). But He does promise to always be with us and will give what He knows is best for us. It’s time to stop listening to the world’s advice or trying to do it on our own. Turn instead to the only true source of help and comfort for our marriages — our Lord, Jesus Christ.

“The Marriage Triangle” diagram shows how a couple’s spiritual journey is connected to their marriage. This Email platform does not support attachments, so please click on this link: http://c3ec.org/s/Triangle.pdf

Notice that as both husband and wife draw closer to God individually, they get closer to each other. If you want to elevate your marriage, I encourage you to follow this fundamental concept. God bless and see you next week!

"Love is Jesus Christ"

Our previous message, “Love is impossible”, lays the foundation for this week and next. But first, it is worth noting that Love Dare was written not only to strengthen marriages, but also to address those who do not know Christ.

The material in these three chapters is probably familiar to most believers, so some will be tempted to gloss over it. Others may feel that they contain too much theology and not enough practical application. Regardless of your opinion on the content and presentation, do not to overlook this foundational truth — Jesus needs to be at the center of your marriage. Continuing from last time in 1 John 4, verse 8 says, “The one who does not love does not know God.” This challenges us to grasp God’s deep love for us. He not only created and sustains us, but has given us the gift of His son Jesus Christ (see John 3:16).

God’s justice requires eventual judgement for our sin and everyone stands guilty (Romans 6:23). Yet in His love and mercy, “God sent His only begotten Son into the world that we might live through Him” (1 John 4:9). Jesus showed His love by dying for us (John 15:13), so if you ever feel unloved, you are not looking at the cross. Reflect on God’s unwavering love by reading the following passages:

• Love this deep cannot be fully understood. (Romans 5:6-8)

• Love like this cannot be earned. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

• This love must be received. (Romans 10:9-10)

• We are called to love one another. (1 John 3:16)

I often mention our need to “always go vertical first.” Hopefully this has been a helpful reminder, not an overlooked admonishment. I repeat it frequently because this is the key to any healthy Christian relationship — especially marriage, which God created to be the most intimate of all human relationships. Don’t fall into the trap that “If I just add a little Jesus to my life, everything will be easier.” It doesn’t work that way. He needs to be at the center, not an add-on.

In “The Meaning of Marriage”, Tim Keller writes: “Plenty of people who do not acknowledge God or the Bible, yet who are experiencing happy marriages, are largely abiding by God’s intentions, whether they realize it or not. But it is far better if we are conscious of those intentions. And the place to discover them is in the writings of the Scripture.”

If you have yet to accept Christ, I urge you to make this your top priority. And for anyone who knows Jesus but has strayed, repent and return to Him. Only when you receive love through Jesus Christ can you sacrificially love others. God’s presence as “the third strand” in your marriage makes it stronger (see Ecclesiastes 4:12). It enables you to love even when you are not loved in return. It enables you to see their imperfections yet still choose to love them. It enables you to become God’s instrument, one of the most personal ways He meets the needs of your spouse. As a result, they can walk in the fullness and blessing of your love. True love is found in Jesus Christ.

"Love is Impossible"

As we progress through the Love Dare series, you may have discovered a secret. It is impossible to manufacture unconditional (agape) love from your imperfect heart. It is beyond your capacity and you simply cannot work hard enough to produce this from within. At times, you might display traits such as patience, kindness and thoughtfulness. But the task of consistently loving someone unselfishly and unconditionally is a totally different matter.

Think about how many times your love has failed to prevent a myriad of sins - deceit, manipulation, lust, envy, judgmental thinking, unkind actions, anger, unwillingness to end an argument, apologize or forgive, plus many more. This is a product of humanity’s sinful condition. We have all have fallen short of God’s standards (Romans 3:23) and need His forgiveness. If you are not in a right relationship with God, it is impossible to sacrificially love your spouse. You cannot give what you don’t have, nor love others in greater measure than what you possess.

Faithfully pure love that can withstand any challenge must come from a higher source. 1 John 4:7 reveals the answer: “Let us love one another, for Love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.” The ESV study notes comment on this verse that: “Love is a consequence of, not a precondition for, being born of God. Unbelievers can love others to some degree, but not in the way that God’s indwelling presence enables Christians to love”.

God’s infinite love for both you and your spouse has made a way to express love through you. Jesus came to earth to be both the example and source of this perfect love. When we surrender our lives to Jesus and give Him control, our deepest need for love is met. This is what enables us to unconditionally love others.

Jesus tells us in John 15 that He is the vine and we are the branches. Apart from Him, we can do nothing, which includes loving our spouse well. But if we abide in Him, we can ask and it will be given. Ephesians 3:19-20 notes that this close relationship allows us to know the love of Christ, be filled with the fullness of God and have the power that works within us.

God is continually pursuing you. He offers you His love and forgiveness, but He doesn’t force you to accept. Maybe you have strayed from God by not praying, being in the Word or attending church. Perhaps the love you once felt seems impossible or has vanished. Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and give you His ability to love? Reach out to Him, find Him and walk with Him. The truth is, you cannot live without Him and you cannot love without Him. But there is no telling what He will do in your life and marriage if you choose to put your trust in Him.