"Love Believes the Best," Part 2

Star Wars burst on the scene when Eileen and I married in 1977. As a fan, I’ve noticed some similarities while writing this theme. Both are trilogies and feature good versus evil, but it also strikes me that things are at their worst in the middle chapter. The darkness before the dawn. Today’s somber message is sent on a sad day for our nation, but it is important that we explore and understand it.

First, you need to realize that there is another place deep inside your heart - the Depreciation Room. It battles against the Appreciation Room and sadly, you visit there as well. It contains the things your spouse does that bothers and irritates you. It also includes their weaknesses and failures.

While dating, this room was rather empty. But just as we tend to visit the Appreciation Room less after we marry, the Depreciation Room can also change. We begin to discover flaws about our spouse that we previously overlooked. In addition, if we are not intentional about our marriage or following the ways of love during this critical transition, we may become thoughtless and drift apart. And so out of frustration, hurt feelings and disappointment of unmet expectations, we enter the Depreciation Room to write their bad habits, hurtful words and poor decisions on its walls.

Spending time in the Depreciation Room kills marriages. The longer you stay, the more your heart devalues your spouse. It begins the moment you walk through the door. Depression, anger and sinful thoughts lurk here, waiting to overtake you. Emotional injuries fester and people ‘fall out of love’ in this room. Some write hateful things that will be used as ammunition in future fights. Evil schemes and divorces are plotted here.

You may say, “But things written on these walls are true.” Perhaps, but so are the things in the Appreciation room! We are all flawed. Everyone has painful memories, unresolved issues and personal baggage. Unfortunately, we often magnify our partner’s negative attributes and failures while ignoring our own.

I don’t want to end on a negative note, so here are two suggestions. First, you were challenged to ‘visit’ the Appreciation Room. Hopefully you did so and enjoyed it, because I encourage you to return there again. Second, if/when any negative thoughts or emotions surface about your spouse, avoid the Depreciation Room at all cost. Pray for strength to resist and focus instead on the positives. Remember, you are married to God’s son or daughter who He loves very much. As followers of Christ, strive to love them as He does.

See you next week for the finale!

Fred

"Love Believes the Best," Part 1

I have been looking forward to this theme since our series began! My reason? As I read more on Christian marriage, some of it becomes repetitive. The material may be excellent, but the excitement factor is gone. Occasionally, I switch to another subtopic or author. Other times I continue, hoping to encounter something fresh. I was captivated when I read this Love Dare chapter. It is one of my favorites, so I hope you enjoy it as well.

The foundation verse is 1 Corinthians 13:7: “Love . . . believes all things, hopes all things” (ESV). The Kendrick brothers created a rather unique allegory to cover this. To do it justice, I will heavily paraphrase and quote their writing. I also want to cover this theme thoroughly, so this will be the first of three messages. Put on your ‘imagination hat’ and let’s begin our journey!

Deep inside your heart, there is an Appreciation Room where you store warm thoughts and memories of your spouse. Kind words and phrases about their positive qualities are written on these walls. It may include physical descriptors such as “beautiful eyes”, personality traits such as “honest” or “hard-working” and even spiritual virtues such as “truly loves the Lord”. These attributes are embedded in your memory. When you visit this room, your appreciation grows for them. The more time you spend here, the more grateful you become.

Many of these were written early in your relationship. You spent considerable time in the Appreciation room and it undoubtedly influenced your decision to get married. But as we previously learned from a message on thoughtfulness, things can change. It is now possible that you visit this room far less – perhaps hardly at all.

We will further explore these changes next time. For now, I offer two encouraging suggestions. First, make it a priority to ‘revisit’ the Appreciation Room. Look at all the wonderful things inside and recall when you dwelled there. As you do, say a prayer of gratitude. This leads to my second suggestion. Hopefully, you have noticed throughout this series that discovering and following God’s plan for marriage requires prayer - lots of it! So far, I have focused on your praying for the Lord to help you. I now encourage you to pray for your spouse as well, if you are not already doing so. Remember not to pray selfishly that they meet your needs or become what you want. Pray instead that they draw closer to God - and that as their spouse, you would encourage and support them in their journey.

See you next week.

Fred

"Love is Not Irritable"

Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive. When under pressure, love doesn’t complain or overreact to minor problems. It displays patience, calmness and self-control.

Today’s theme, “Love is not irritable”, is closely related to last week’s message on rudeness. Bob Lepine offers good insight. Rude actions and words often spring from the heart of someone who is easily irritated. This is the antithesis of patience. When irritability takes over, there is no room for love. Being irritated by the words or actions of another is not born of love and grace. It is not of the Spirit; rather it comes from a darker part within us. Irritation happens when we’re focused on ourselves.

The Kendricks cite two elements that contribute to irritability. The first is stress, which can come from multiple sources. Relational causes such as arguing, division and bitterness are one. Another is excessive causes which may include overworking, overplaying and overspending. And finally, deficiencies such as lack of sleep, proper nutrition and exercise can be a reason. Life is a marathon so we must balance, prioritize and pace ourselves as well as seek biblical help. Scripture teaches us to let love guide our relationships (1 Colossians 3:12-14), to pray when anxious (Philippians 4:7-8), to delegate (Exodus 18:17-23) and not overindulge (Proverbs 25:16). It also calls us to observe the sabbath as a day of worship and rest.

The second significant source of irritability is something we’ve talked about before – selfishness. Being easily irritated reflects hidden selfishness or insecurity. Here are some ways this may manifest itself. Lust is one example where being ungrateful with what we have and coveting something forbidden causes us to be easily frustrated. Bitterness is another because our unresolved anger leaks out when provoked. Greed may be a factor as our cravings for more, coupled with the inability to obtain it, makes us irritable. And finally, pride can lead us to act harshly as we try to protect our ego and reputation.

If you are easily provoked or irritated, recognize that the reason is not the actions of others. It is your response to their actions and it reflects a lack of walking with the Spirit. Your list of selfish needs will never be satisfied, but you can choose instead to allow love (= God) to take over and lead you. Doing so will reduce your stress, replace selfish responses with righteous ones and make you more enjoyable to be around. In short, it follows the call to put love into action.

Thank you for your continued participation. I pray that you find this series both enjoyable and an encouragement for your marriage.

Fred

"Love is Not Rude"

After last week’s departure from 1 Corinthians 13, we return with a theme from verse 5: “Love is not rude”. Nobody likes being around rude people. Their behavior may seem insignificant to them, but it is unpleasant for others. Genuine love minds its manners and practices self-control, yet another fruit of the Spirit found in Galatians 5:22.

Bob Lepine makes several good comments. Rudeness is about more than not adhering to a set of social graces. It comes from a heart of arrogance. Jesus said, “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12:34) Rudeness describes the way we treat others when we think we are better than they are. And rude people focus on how the behavior of others affects them while paying little attention on how their behavior affects others.

The Kendricks cite two major reasons why people are rude – ignorance and self-centeredness. They know the rules, but are blind to how they break them or are too self-centered to care. Ironically, their behavior at home may be quite different from the etiquette they display elsewhere.

To evaluate whether rudeness is an issue in your marriage, consider these challenging questions posed by Love Dare:

1. How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them?

2. How does your behavior affect their sense of worth and self-esteem?

3. Would your spouse say that you are a blessing, or that you are condescending and embarrassing?

If you feel your spouse is the only one who needs work on their behavior, you may suffer from ignorance or self-centeredness. Love calls you to a higher standard. Allowing love to change your behavior can restore honor to your relationship. And if you are unwilling to change, you limit the quality and enjoyment of your marriage.

Love Dare also offers a practical tip. If you want your spouse to stop doing things that bother you, then first stop doing the things that bother them. I encourage you to follow their guidelines on practicing etiquette in your marriage:

1. Follow the Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

2. Avoid double standards. Be as or more considerate to your spouse as you are to others.

3. Honor requests. Consider what your spouse has already asked you to do or not to do.

It is easy to find examples of rudeness in our messed up world. But God is love; there is no place for rudeness. Allow Him to make you more Christ-like so that both your individual life and marriage may reflect His glory to a fallen world.

God bless and have an amazing week!

Fred

"Love is Thoughtful"

Love thinks. It is not a mindless feeling riding on the waves of emotion. Loving thoughts precede loving actions. When we fell in love with our spouse, we couldn’t stop thinking about them. This often changes after we get married for many reasons — we become busy with careers, new friends, kids and so on. Our attention is reduced and if we are not careful, we become thoughtless and fail to make our marriage a priority. It is reason behind what The Art of Marriage calls “the drift towards isolation”. My analogy is that of a pendulum — we swing from one extreme of over-fixation to the other of being inattentive. Thoughtlessness can become a silent enemy in marriage.

How can we overcome this? Most marriage experts agree that infatuation must fade before we can begin to build real, lasting love. Good communication skills, including how we think and talk about each other’s needs, are fundamental. It helps us seize rather than miss opportunities to demonstrate our love.

God created men and women of equal value, yet He also created us differently. Research supports ‘brain-wired’ gender differences and makes a few generalizations. Men tend to struggle more with thoughtlessness because their minds focus on one thing while overlooking other items that need attention. They think and speak straight forward messages with fewer subtleties requiring interpretation. Women however are more capable of multiple thoughts simultaneously and also think relationally. This means they tend to speak and perceive things ‘between the lines’.

A wife may feel her husband is thoughtless if she always has to spell something out. Meanwhile he becomes aggravated that he can’t read her mind and misses a chance to show his love. Does any of this sound familiar?

It is important for couples to understand these differences so they can grow closer instead of drift apart. Love requires thoughtfulness on both sides to build bridges through patience, kindness and selflessness. Love teaches us to meet in the middle by respecting and appreciating how our spouse uniquely thinks. Love overcomes our frustrations.

A wise husband listens to his wife and is considerate of her unspoken message. A caring wife learns to communicate honestly and not over rely on him to pick up hidden or alternative meanings. The thoughtful nature of love teaches us to think before we speak so that our words are filtered through a grid of truth and kindness. What we think, the words we choose and how we act greatly impacts our marriage. So today’s encouragement is this: Ask God to help you be more thoughtful in your relationship.

Blessings to you and for your marriage.

Fred

"Love is not Selfish" - Part 2

Last week, we examined how selfishness impacts our ability to love. I also included a practical tip for sharing your needs with your spouse. Today we will look at more ways to combat selfishness.

Learning humility is a powerful weapon in this battle. Humility isn’t about false modesty or low self-esteem. It comes from a true self appraisal that understands our relationship with God. It also recognizes the gifts and abilities He has given us and uses them wisely. When we adopt this approach, selfishness and arrogance are kept at bay.

Remember, we have a choice in how we respond. We can act out of love for others instead of ourselves. The series introduction noted that Christian marriage is a covenant where “we give ourselves to our spouse”. This includes putting their needs and happiness before ours. We learn to deny our selfish desires to meet their needs. This is quite contrary to culture’s “it’s all about me” attitude, but following God’s plan comes with an additional benefit. It frees us from unrealistic expectations and unmet demands. Unselfish people find great joy in serving others and are a delight to be around.

Perhaps this seems easy to understand. As always, the challenge is putting this into practice so I encourage you to honestly consider the following:

• Do I truly want what is best for my spouse?

• Do I want them to feel loved and believe that I have their best interests in mind?

• Do they see me as looking out for them first, or me first?

No human knows you better than your spouse. If you make a genuine and sustained effort to sacrifice your selfish tendencies in order to meet their needs, they will notice. How they respond will vary, but remember that you are not doing it to elicit a reward.

Notice the interesting contrast. When it comes to meeting needs, you are called to focus first on others, not yourself. Yet when it comes to change, the focus needs to be on you, not them. The challenge then is learning to love unselfishly - as Jesus Christ loves you.

I will close with Philippians 2:3-4, which beautifully sums up this theme: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

May God grow and strengthen your marriage as you continue to meditate on His perfect ways.

Fred

"Love is not Selfish" - Part 1

We now come upon our first ‘not theme’ of the series: Love is not selfish. 1 Corinthians 13:5 states love is not self-seeking. In contrast to our prior themes which looked at fruits of the spirit, this addresses a sin issue. As we explore God’s design for marriage, the presence and impact of sin cannot be ignored. It separates us from achieving His perfect plan. Selfishness is one of the worst and at the root of almost every sin. Paul Tripp defines selfishness as “A kingdom of one”. Clearly it stands in opposition to God’s Kingdom. In all honesty, we all struggle with some degree of selfishness.

Let’s examine the relationship between love and selfishness. These two are in constant conflict - as one grows, the other fades. Love calls us to put others above our self and do things for them, while selfishness puts the focus on us at their expense. Being selfish diminishes our capacity to love - the more we are self-centered, the less we can truly love another.

Selfishness also makes us needy and overly sensitive. We become manipulative or demand to have things our way. And when that doesn’t work, we often criticize others while being blind to our own faults. Sadly, today’s culture encourages focusing on ourselves. Marriage however, inevitably exposes our selfishness. Consider your tendency to put your needs before your spouse’s or concentrate on their deficiencies while ignoring yours.

1 Corinthians 13:4 says love does not boast and is not arrogant. Simply defined, arrogance is an over-inflated opinion of ourselves and boasting is letting others know that opinion. Both are connected to selfishness and they drain love from a marriage. Arrogance insists that others praise and admire us. However real love says, “I am committed to your good” and demonstrates it through serving others.

What about our need for encouragement – is it wrong? Marriages won’t thrive if spouses don’t encourage one another. If it is a healthy need, not a selfish/arrogant one, scripture clearly supports encouragement. The key is not to ignore our legitimate needs, rather to learn appropriate ways to handle them. First, bring your needs to Jesus in prayer. Second, put the needs of others before yours. And third, learn how to lovingly communicate your needs to your spouse. For a practical application, consider Gary Chapman’s words from “The Five Love Languages”: “Love makes requests, not demands. A request creates the possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates that possibility.”

Next time, we will examine more ways to combat selfishness. Until then, God bless.

Fred

"An Interlude"

Our series has explored love, patience and kindness so far. And while it may seem odd pausing this early, they deserve more attention before continuing to our next theme. I will address each separately, then tie them together at the end. In doing so, I will also incorporate material from Bob Lepine’s new book, “Love Like You Mean It”.

Love: Bob discusses ‘falling in love’ and how couples often marry with a superficial view of it. What we liked was the feeling of being loved, so we married to get more than to give. So what happens when times are tough? It isn’t a lack of knowledge that love is the foundation for marriage. And it isn’t that love evaporated. Usually, we bought into the world’s view of love; not Christian love. Romance and passion are fine, but they alone cannot sustain a marriage. The key is learning and living the qualities of a true, rugged love – an agape love as described in 1 Corinthians 13. Our wedding vow is not to feel a certain way about your spouse, but to act a certain way for a lifetime.

Patience: The posture of patience is grace-giving. Normally, we absorb an offense, give grace and move on. But be careful that your willingness to endure does not enable your spouse to develop destructive sin patterns. Sometimes the best thing you can do is gently confront the sin pattern in someone’s life. Also, the Bible does not teach that an abused spouse should remain passive – get help!

Kindness: Researchers conclude that “the amount of kindness expressed is the single greatest predictor for marital satisfaction and stability.” For Christians, kindness is not a sentimental feeling; rather an unselfish demonstration of our love for another. And it is not about grand, ‘Hollywood-scale’ gestures. Real kindness is found in the 10,000 little things we do daily.

In closing, each Love Dare theme presents a challenge. Given our group’s size and diversity, plus a desire to avoid lecturing, I aim to write ‘messages of encouragement’. Building a Christ-centered marriage as part of our overall spiritual journey is not easy, yet I encourage you to continue seeking God’s way. Love, patience and kindness are all fruits of the Spirit. Choosing to incorporate them allows us to experience the beauty that God desires for our marriage while reflecting His glory to a fallen world.

I am keeping quiet about next week’s theme - but it is huge, so please don’t miss it!

Blessings,
Fred

"Love is Kind"

Last week, we identified the two pillars of love and explored the first — Patience. Today, we will examine the second — Kindness. There are distinct differences, yet they blend together in harmony. The Kendricks note these contrasts: Patience reacts to minimize a negative circumstance while kindness acts to maximize a positive one. Patience avoids a problem while kindness creates a blessing. Patience is preventive; kindness is proactive.

Kindness is love in action! Here are some core characteristics:

1. Initiative. Kindness anticipates and takes the first step. It does not put requirements on the other nor wait to be earned — it greets first, serves first and forgives first. You recognize another’s need, then respond to it.

2. Gentleness. You are tender and avoid being insensitive or harsh. This applies not only to the words you choose, but also your tone of voice, body language, posture and your actions. Even when you have hard things to say, do so softly.

3. Helpfulness. You look to serve another by putting aside your needs to unselfishly meet theirs.

4. Willingness. You are agreeable, cooperative and flexible. Instead of complaining or making excuses, you adjust and accommodate. You are also ready to listen rather than demand your own way.
   

Jesus life exemplifies kindness in action. The parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30–37) is also a great illustration. Observe how the Samaritan takes the initiative and demonstrates kindness through his acts of gentleness, helpfulness and willingness.

Here are some biblical calls for kindness. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “Be kind and compassionate to one another”. And Colossians 3:12 says “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience". Indeed, Galatians 5:22 lists both kindness and patience as “fruits of the Spirit”.

Take a moment to focus on kindness in your marriage. When you were dating, it was likely something that drew you to your spouse. Has this changed over time? Do you find it easier to be kind to others — perhaps a family member, friend or coworker — than your spouse?

Like patience, kindness doesn’t always come naturally. If you feel there is room to grow, I encourage you to take the initiative. This will require an intentional and possibly supernatural effort. The best approach is always ‘going vertical’ first, so meditate on God’s kindness to you. Also pray that your efforts will be sincere, sustained and unselfish. All this may be challenging, but it’s worth it because kindness is the glue that holds couples together.

Thank you for participating in this series and see you next week!
Fred

"Love is Patient"

The first few themes of this series are based on 1 Corinthians 13. This ‘love chapter’ has three major sections. The opening powerfully illustrates that even supernatural acts, without love, are nothing. The ending tells how love will never fail. And in the middle, verses 4–7 list the characteristics of love. We often hear this famous passage at weddings — yet many miss the point that the Apostle Paul is not simply describing what love is, but also how it acts and what it does.

Love is a commonly spoken word in today’s world, yet its many uses and different meanings can create confusion. However, the Bible is quite clear: God is love. Note the ‘vertical aspect’ — love comes from God, not man! Love is powerful, motivating and at the core of our being. The Kendrick brothers contend that Christian love is built on two pillars — patience and kindness.

Let’s dig into verse 4a, “Love is Patient”, by looking at five aspects. First, patience slows anger. Instead of making things better, anger invariably creates more problems. When times are tough, responding with anger is like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Second, patience stops problems in their tracks. It helps you respond in a positive way to a negative situation. It clears the air, giving mercy and grace a chance to work. Patience is an intentional choice to control your emotions instead of allowing them to control you.

Third, patience is where love meets wisdom. Proverbs contains good examples of patience (see Proverbs 14:29, 15:18 and 19:11). Love recognizes that our spouse is human and like us, will fail at times. Ephesians 4:2 says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

Fourth, patience does not come naturally, but is worth pursuing. Jesus was the perfect example of patience. Practicing it shows we submit to His way, not ours. When you face tough times, consider what your marriage might look like if you choose patience over anger.

Finally, patience implies a time factor. The love we see in Scripture does not come through quick fixes. It is a long, slow and rigorous process. I encourage you to view marriage as a lifelong process – as a marathon, not a sprint. To love well and weather the storms in your life, learn to cultivate patience. Pray that through the Holy Spirit, you may be filled with this righteous fruit.

God bless you and your marriage,
Fred