"Love Believes the Best," Part 2

Star Wars burst on the scene when Eileen and I married in 1977. As a fan, I’ve noticed some similarities while writing this theme. Both are trilogies and feature good versus evil, but it also strikes me that things are at their worst in the middle chapter. The darkness before the dawn. Today’s somber message is sent on a sad day for our nation, but it is important that we explore and understand it.

First, you need to realize that there is another place deep inside your heart - the Depreciation Room. It battles against the Appreciation Room and sadly, you visit there as well. It contains the things your spouse does that bothers and irritates you. It also includes their weaknesses and failures.

While dating, this room was rather empty. But just as we tend to visit the Appreciation Room less after we marry, the Depreciation Room can also change. We begin to discover flaws about our spouse that we previously overlooked. In addition, if we are not intentional about our marriage or following the ways of love during this critical transition, we may become thoughtless and drift apart. And so out of frustration, hurt feelings and disappointment of unmet expectations, we enter the Depreciation Room to write their bad habits, hurtful words and poor decisions on its walls.

Spending time in the Depreciation Room kills marriages. The longer you stay, the more your heart devalues your spouse. It begins the moment you walk through the door. Depression, anger and sinful thoughts lurk here, waiting to overtake you. Emotional injuries fester and people ‘fall out of love’ in this room. Some write hateful things that will be used as ammunition in future fights. Evil schemes and divorces are plotted here.

You may say, “But things written on these walls are true.” Perhaps, but so are the things in the Appreciation room! We are all flawed. Everyone has painful memories, unresolved issues and personal baggage. Unfortunately, we often magnify our partner’s negative attributes and failures while ignoring our own.

I don’t want to end on a negative note, so here are two suggestions. First, you were challenged to ‘visit’ the Appreciation Room. Hopefully you did so and enjoyed it, because I encourage you to return there again. Second, if/when any negative thoughts or emotions surface about your spouse, avoid the Depreciation Room at all cost. Pray for strength to resist and focus instead on the positives. Remember, you are married to God’s son or daughter who He loves very much. As followers of Christ, strive to love them as He does.

See you next week for the finale!

Fred

"Love Believes the Best," Part 1

I have been looking forward to this theme since our series began! My reason? As I read more on Christian marriage, some of it becomes repetitive. The material may be excellent, but the excitement factor is gone. Occasionally, I switch to another subtopic or author. Other times I continue, hoping to encounter something fresh. I was captivated when I read this Love Dare chapter. It is one of my favorites, so I hope you enjoy it as well.

The foundation verse is 1 Corinthians 13:7: “Love . . . believes all things, hopes all things” (ESV). The Kendrick brothers created a rather unique allegory to cover this. To do it justice, I will heavily paraphrase and quote their writing. I also want to cover this theme thoroughly, so this will be the first of three messages. Put on your ‘imagination hat’ and let’s begin our journey!

Deep inside your heart, there is an Appreciation Room where you store warm thoughts and memories of your spouse. Kind words and phrases about their positive qualities are written on these walls. It may include physical descriptors such as “beautiful eyes”, personality traits such as “honest” or “hard-working” and even spiritual virtues such as “truly loves the Lord”. These attributes are embedded in your memory. When you visit this room, your appreciation grows for them. The more time you spend here, the more grateful you become.

Many of these were written early in your relationship. You spent considerable time in the Appreciation room and it undoubtedly influenced your decision to get married. But as we previously learned from a message on thoughtfulness, things can change. It is now possible that you visit this room far less – perhaps hardly at all.

We will further explore these changes next time. For now, I offer two encouraging suggestions. First, make it a priority to ‘revisit’ the Appreciation Room. Look at all the wonderful things inside and recall when you dwelled there. As you do, say a prayer of gratitude. This leads to my second suggestion. Hopefully, you have noticed throughout this series that discovering and following God’s plan for marriage requires prayer - lots of it! So far, I have focused on your praying for the Lord to help you. I now encourage you to pray for your spouse as well, if you are not already doing so. Remember not to pray selfishly that they meet your needs or become what you want. Pray instead that they draw closer to God - and that as their spouse, you would encourage and support them in their journey.

See you next week.

Fred

"Love is Not Irritable"

Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive. When under pressure, love doesn’t complain or overreact to minor problems. It displays patience, calmness and self-control.

Today’s theme, “Love is not irritable”, is closely related to last week’s message on rudeness. Bob Lepine offers good insight. Rude actions and words often spring from the heart of someone who is easily irritated. This is the antithesis of patience. When irritability takes over, there is no room for love. Being irritated by the words or actions of another is not born of love and grace. It is not of the Spirit; rather it comes from a darker part within us. Irritation happens when we’re focused on ourselves.

The Kendricks cite two elements that contribute to irritability. The first is stress, which can come from multiple sources. Relational causes such as arguing, division and bitterness are one. Another is excessive causes which may include overworking, overplaying and overspending. And finally, deficiencies such as lack of sleep, proper nutrition and exercise can be a reason. Life is a marathon so we must balance, prioritize and pace ourselves as well as seek biblical help. Scripture teaches us to let love guide our relationships (1 Colossians 3:12-14), to pray when anxious (Philippians 4:7-8), to delegate (Exodus 18:17-23) and not overindulge (Proverbs 25:16). It also calls us to observe the sabbath as a day of worship and rest.

The second significant source of irritability is something we’ve talked about before – selfishness. Being easily irritated reflects hidden selfishness or insecurity. Here are some ways this may manifest itself. Lust is one example where being ungrateful with what we have and coveting something forbidden causes us to be easily frustrated. Bitterness is another because our unresolved anger leaks out when provoked. Greed may be a factor as our cravings for more, coupled with the inability to obtain it, makes us irritable. And finally, pride can lead us to act harshly as we try to protect our ego and reputation.

If you are easily provoked or irritated, recognize that the reason is not the actions of others. It is your response to their actions and it reflects a lack of walking with the Spirit. Your list of selfish needs will never be satisfied, but you can choose instead to allow love (= God) to take over and lead you. Doing so will reduce your stress, replace selfish responses with righteous ones and make you more enjoyable to be around. In short, it follows the call to put love into action.

Thank you for your continued participation. I pray that you find this series both enjoyable and an encouragement for your marriage.

Fred