"Intimacy Revisited," Part 2

In mid-January, we examined four ways to increase relational intimacy – a safe environment, trust, gratitude and grace. Last week we added “seeking to understand.” Let’s hear more from Gary Thomas about building intimacy and strong marriages.

• A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make.

• You have to keep on making it. “To stop giving yourself to your spouse is to spiritually divorce them.”

• You can begin remaking your marriage more intimate at any stage. This is good news for those who married based on infatuation or exist on artificial intimacy.

However, our natural tendencies prevent us from doing this on our own. We need God’s help to persevere and lead us into greater intimacy. This means we pray for each other, persistently communicate, reject bitterness, resolve differences, and go to God to forgive each other’s weaknesses. We also reserve time for each other, make memories, remain best friends, and share emotions.

If we stop doing all these little things that sustain intimacy, it dies. This usually leads couples to blame their spouse instead of the relationship. They say, “I must have married the wrong person” instead of acknowledging that, “We haven’t nurtured our relationship.” Intimacy isn’t something you have or don’t have — it is something you choose to build and maintain.

Gary says there are two questions we can ask within marriage that will lead to two entirely different dimensions – intimacy or estrangement. We choose which one we want to live in by asking either “How can I bless you?” or “How can I get my needs met?” He also notes:

• “Many people want intimacy more in the abstract than in reality. We want the benefits of being known and loved, but hate the process of dying to get there.”

• The notion of “mine” and “yours” goes against oneness; it means you are living separate lives. Family Life founder Dennis Rainey uses the analogy of “riding two unicycles instead of a bicycle built for two.” Marital intimacy requires us to die as individuals and be reborn as a couple.

• Don’t focus on the difficulties of loving your spouse; focus instead on blessing them through meeting their needs.

Two people can find themselves falling in love, but nobody falls into genuine intimacy or oneness. Intimacy requires the giving of yourself. Before witnesses on your wedding day, you proclaimed to your spouse that “I am yours.” Does this still hold true today?

With Valentine’s Day approaching, the world’s “view of love” will be on display. Now I like romance and passion as much as anyone, and it has a special place in marriage, but it can’t be the foundation. What we need is love and intimacy as God describes them. Building this is a long journey that requires a deliberate choice to be intentional, thoughtful and prayerful. The motto for an intimate marriage should be “I do and I will”. This is the path that allows us to truly say, “I am yours!”

"Intimacy Revisited," Part 1

Having recently covered “Love promotes intimacy” followed by “Love seeks to understand”, let’s take a moment to tie these two together. I will primarily draw on Gary Thomas material from his book “A Lifelong Love.”

Gary discusses multiple differences between artificial and real intimacy. He notes that popular thinking promotes a concept that good marriages are “discovered.” Once we meet the right person, it’s like planting a tree. You water and care for it initially, then sit back and watch it grow. Many couples begin marriage this way, assuming it will flourish without continuing to pursue or understand their spouse. They live with an “artificial intimacy;” one based on infatuation rather than intentional building. Bob Lepine adds that “people often get married because they fall in love with the feeling of being loved. They got married to get, not give.”

Infatuation has a short life expectancy and therefore, cannot sustain a marriage. However, other factors can replace it and keep artificial intimacy going. Planning the wedding is one possibility if a couple approaches it like coworkers tackling a task. Gary believes “it is silly to give so much focus to a ceremony lasting less than an hour while neglecting to cultivate a lifelong relationship.” Sexual chemistry, particularly early on, is another possible reinforcement. Additional life events, such as building careers and raising kids, can further sustain it. But unless a couple intentionally commits to building true intimacy — one that seeks to understand their spouse and meet their needs - the artificial version will eventually fade, thereby putting the marriage in jeopardy.

During the artificial intimacy timespan, one or both partners may “check out” of their marriage. This is when temptations (see Jan 8 message) are at their greatest and might end a marriage. Others will linger until one day, a couple wakes up to the reality that they have drifted apart; that they have become roommates instead of intimate spouses. At this point, they are faced with a difficult decision to: 1) part ways, 2) continue living in misery or 3) earnestly commit to the hard work of rebuilding their marriage. Increased divorce rates in older couples is evidence that many choose the easy way out. “Checking out” is the beginning of the end; “checking in” is the journey toward intimacy and joy.

Today’s message concentrates on identifying and understanding artificial intimacy. Perhaps this doesn’t apply or your marriage has moved beyond it. However you may know other couples in this situation, so consider sharing this message with them. In preparation for next week’s focus on more ways to restore intimacy, let’s end with a challenge based on understanding. If you miss the level of intimacy you once had, one way to rebuild it is through committing to know your spouse better. Read and study them like a book you are trying to understand. Your spouse’s heart is a treasure chest waiting to be unlocked. Seeking to understand leads to gaining knowledge which, combined with genuine love, results in intimacy.

"Love Seeks to Understand," Part 2

Last time ended with encouragement to prayerfully consider how to better understand your spouse. As we continue, think for a moment about problems you experience in relating to your mate. How many are associated with simply not understanding them? When they react differently to circumstances than you would and you don’t know why, it could be for reasons that make sense only to them. Whether we admit it or not, selfishness is a factor. We become frustrated when they don’t see things our way which in turn dampens our resolve to understand them.

The familiar saying, “Put yourself in their shoes,” exemplifies empathy. It is seeking to learn and respect their views, even if we don’t always agree with them. Failing to show empathy not only robs a chance for intimacy, but often leads to conflict. This is why it is worth the effort to study why they are the way they are. Philippians 2:3–4 calls for a mindset of being unselfish and looking to the interests of others.

Love Dare draws on Proverbs in offering steps for better understanding your spouse:

1. Ask questions. (See Proverbs 18:15) Love takes the initiative to begin conversations. If you want your spouse to open up and share their heart, they need to know that your desire for understanding is authentic.

2. Listen. (See Proverbs 8:2) Studies show most people are poor listeners. We often focus on what we want to say next and also wrongly assume that we understand what we are hearing. To truly understand your partner, you need to willingly and attentively listen to them, not merely tell them what you think. If they are not talkative, then gently and patiently encourage them.

3. Ask God for discernment. (See Proverbs 2:6) Differences such as gender, family background and life experiences can cloud our ability to know our mate’s heart and motivations. But God, the Giver of wisdom, can show you what you need to know so you can better love your spouse.

“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with precious and pleasant riches” (Proverbs 24:3–4). If you choose to genuinely study and understand your spouse, you will discover an amazing depth of beauty inside. Enter the mystery with expectation and enthusiasm. Desire to know them better than ever. In doing so, you will fill your marriage with riches that only love can provide.

In closing, I encourage you to explore some “bonus material”. One way to better understand and love your spouse is through learning to speak their love language. Pastor Todd and I created a video series on this subject that can be found on Bethesda’s website: http://c3ec.org/marriage

You can view these alone or, if your spouse is willing, try Pastor Kirk’s suggestion of watching them together as a “Date Night activity”. I hope you find them helpful.

"Love Seeks to Understand," Part 1

Think of something you really enjoy — perhaps cooking, a hobby or a favorite sports team. You will most likely read, learn about, and pay considerable attention to it. It is natural to become knowledgeable in things that interest you.

Love would ask, “How much do you know about your spouse?” Think back to your dating days. Didn’t you study the one you pursued? Can you recall what it felt like to discover their interests, habits, hobbies, and more? Yet once married, actively learning about our mate tends to decrease. The challenge and mystery loses its thrill, and so our interests drift elsewhere.

In a prior message on “Thoughtfulness” (8/14/20), we saw that genuine love needs to replace infatuation to sustain a lifelong marriage — and in doing so, we must remain thoughtful about our spouse. The reality is that a surprising amount of good things in your partner are awaiting your discovery.

The Kendricks offer this perspective: If your premarital study of your spouse is equivalent to a high school degree, then continue after marriage to earn a college degree. After that, a master’s degree, then a doctorate, and so on. People and their needs change over time, so studying your spouse needs to be a lifelong course. One designed to draw you closer together; to become one. So ask yourself these questions:

• Do you know their greatest hopes and dreams?

• Do you fully understand how they prefer to give and receive love?

• Do you know their greatest fears and why they struggle with them?

Paul Tripp says, “Love is being a good student of your spouse, looking for their physical, emotional and spiritual needs so that in some way you can remove their burden, support them and encourage them along the way. Love is not only reactive, but it is also proactive. It is good when a partner communicates a need that is willingly met, but real love is even more. It finds joy in studying a spouse — their opportunities, responsibilities, temptations, gifts, weaknesses, strengths, family, friends, schedule, etc. — so it can anticipate and quickly move to meet their needs in whatever way possible. Love never waits to be told what to do, and it never sees a spouse’s needs as an interruption. Love is burdened when they are burdened and finds joy in their relief. If you truly love your spouse, you will be willing to increase your load in order to lighten theirs.”

In closing, I encourage you to examine areas where you can improve on understanding your spouse. Pray for the Lord’s help to reveal these as well as ways in which you can change. Next week we will further explore ways to better understand our spouse. Until then, may God bless and strengthen your marriage.

"Love Promotes Intimacy," Part 2

Last week, we examined situations where intimacy is lacking. The good news is that love can overcome these problems. 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.” Intimacy is impossible when fear is present because a person will avoid the vulnerability of sharing their heart. Each marriage is unique, so there is no single formula for increasing intimacy. There are however, a few fundamentals.

1. A safe environment. This is one where your spouse is not pressured to be perfect in order to receive your attention, approval and affection. They are loved despite their faults. This means non-harmful secrets and feelings may simply need to be accepted for what they are as part of their background and personality, even if you don’t like it. But what if they divulge a sinful or destructive behavior? Scripture tells us not to accept or encourage this. The key is to resist criticizing, listen compassionately and then gently speak the truth in love.
2. Trust. When your spouse offends you, first consider if it was truly intentional versus accidental – and also if you overreacted because you would have done something differently. This, along with your response to either welcome or reject them, will influence whether they see you as a refuge who won’t condemn them versus someone who will punish them. The former builds trust and invites intimacy; the latter will wound and further distance them.
3. Gratitude. Remember the recent “wise farmer” message? We noted the futility of complaining and instead, emphasized the need to nurture your spouse’s heart through prayer. Living with gratitude cultivates intimacy. Learn to be thankful for the good in your spouse instead of dwelling on their weaknesses. (See “Love believes the best,” Part 3”)

4. Grace. Our God and creator knows us more intimately than anyone ever will (see Psalm 139). Despite our sin and ugliness, He loves and reaches out to us. It is an undeserved love and one we can never earn; it is grace. As Christ’s followers, we are called to extend grace in addressing and forgiving our spouse’s flaws. A grace filled marriage paves the way for intimacy to flourish.

Genuine intimacy doesn’t happen spontaneously. Like love, it requires an intentional and unselfish commitment. Remember to always start first in prayer! Intimacy takes time to develop, especially if it’s been previously shattered, so be patient. Slowly and steadily rebuild their trust. Move towards each other, not away, especially in tough times. Talk with, rather than avoid, your spouse. Listen with acceptance instead of judgment. Open up to make them feel emotionally safe and deeply loved. Seek reconciliation, not retribution.

Building real intimacy requires a lot of work and God’s help, but it’s worth the effort. It can transform a relationship from “living together as roommates” into a oneness that God desires. So no matter where your relationship currently stands, accept the challenge to increase your intimacy!

"Love Promotes Intimacy," Part 1

Throughout our lives, we become close to a handful of people that we are willing to trust with our deepest secrets. It may be a parent, sibling, best friend or coworker. But nothing rivals the closeness that can be experienced between a husband and wife. God designed marriage to be the most intimate of all human relationships — emotionally, physically and spiritually. Intimacy is commonly defined as being “fully known, yet fully loved” and marriage provides the framework for opening our hearts to each other. This theme will focus on “knowledge and emotional aspects” such as sharing secrets and feelings along with the ability to freely discuss sensitive issues.

Intimacy is not only complex and delicate, but also unique for each couple. Sadly, many marriages lack the intimacy that God desires. It can be a great blessing, but it can potentially be its greatest danger as well. A spouse who knows us intimately can love us beyond expectations or wound us deeply in ways that are difficult to recover from. This is the fire and fear of marriage – and it is also the reason why creating a safe place for intimacy is vital.

A spouse who has been wounded from the environment they grew up in and/or from marriage itself will often create barriers that block intimacy. A “drift towards isolation”, which occurs when our love is not intentional, is another pathway that erodes intimacy. Would you describe the atmosphere of your marriage as open and trustworthy for the sharing of your hearts?

If a marriage isn’t “emotionally safe”, temptation will arise to fill the need or find a substitute for intimacy through other means. Some may devote themselves to their job, intensely focus on their children/other family members or even become heavily involved in charitable/religious activities. These might seem admirable, but when excessive they can be detrimental to a marriage. Another alternative is immersing oneself in hobbies, home projects, etc. And then there are the sinful, destructive behaviors - affairs, pornography, alcoholism, addictions, and more.

Sometimes an extreme may occur where one or both spouses shun rather than seek intimacy. Dr. Doug Weiss coined the term “Intimacy Anorexia” and defines it as the “active withholding of emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy from the spouse.” In a nutshell, they feel too vulnerable to open up, fearing they will get hurt if their spouse sees their faults. To prevent this, they intentionally avoid or push away their partner. This is often accomplished through tactics such as busyness, blame, and withholding of love, praise, sex, and spirituality. The anorexic struggles to process emotions normally so criticism, silence, and manipulation are also common. These actions can seriously grieve an “intimacy starved spouse” and may destroy a marriage.

This is a difficult place to pause, but it’s time to end. In preparation for next week, I encourage you to reflect on your current level of intimacy and consider what your marriage look like if it increased. God bless.

"Love Intercedes"

Let’s revisit a truth from the past — you cannot change your spouse. Sadly, many couples spend valuable time and effort trying to do so. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing again and again while hoping for a different outcome. To end this frustration, we must embrace that changing hearts is God’s work, not ours.

Love Dare’s intent is not to change your spouse. Its challenge is to change yourself and in doing so, improve the environment of your marriage. To accomplish this, the Kendricks encourage us to become “wise farmers”. A farmer cannot make seeds grow - he cannot argue, manipulate or demand them. However, he can plant them in good soil, water, fertilize, weed, and turn it over to God. Paul Tripp’s book “What Did You Expect?” stresses the need of “pulling weeds and planting seeds” for a healthy marriage. This means we nurture the soil of our spouse’s heart and let God do His work.

To “wisely farm” our marriages, we need a powerful resource – prayer. It’s a spiritual phenomenon created by our almighty God as our means for accessing Him. Prayer really works and its importance cannot be overstated. The Bible is full of scriptures encouraging us to pray. Luke 18:1 tells us to pray instead of quitting, Philippians 4:6–7 says prayer brings peace when we are worried and Acts 12:1-17 illustrates how prayer can result in major breakthroughs.

Our living God desires an intimate relationship with us, but He is sovereign and does things His way. He is not a genie in a lamp ready to grant our every wish. Effective prayer requires some key elements, including a humble heart that is in a right relationship with God and others. God also gives us insight into our spouse’s weaknesses — not to nag, but so we know how to pray for them. Strategic prayer is far more effective than complaining.

If your spouse doesn’t know God through accepting Jesus as their savior, start there first. Beyond that, learn to pray unselfishly for your spouse’s needs. Pray for their heart, attitude and responsibilities before God. Pray for truth to replace lies, for forgiveness to replace bitterness and for a genuine breakthrough in your marriage. Then pray for your needs – for love and honor to become the norm, for the strengthening of your marriage and for it to reflect His glory to others.

In difficult times, prayer is often the last thing we turn to when in reality, it is the first thing we should do. One of the most loving things you can do is pray for your spouse. Matthew 7:7 says, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”

Two Special Notes:

1. For more on strategic prayer, check out the Kendricks’ book “The Battle Plan for Prayer” or their movie “War Room”.

2. I am taking a ‘holiday break’, so there will be no message next week. Merry Christmas everyone!

"Love is Honorable"

Think of the person you most respect in this world. Now consider how you would feel and act if you could spend a day with them. You would likely feel privileged, be polite, listen carefully when they speak and take their requests seriously. This is the definition of honor. You show respect, treat them special and do your best to accommodate them because of who they are. Honor is a noble word that describes how we should live.

The Bible tells us to honor our parents as well as those in authority. But it also tells husbands to honor their wives (1 Peter 3:7) and wives to show respect to their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). This is essential for a healthy marriage. Notice that we are not told to do so only if they deserve it. We honor our spouse because of their position in our lives. It is what God calls us to. This means we give them our attention and value their opinions. We choose our words and actions wisely. It shows that they matter.

The Kendricks draw attention to a similar word that calls us to an even higher place — holy. It means to be set apart for a greater purpose. Though we don’t often hear this used in marriage, each spouse becomes holy to each other through “holy matrimony.” Your relationship is like no other. They hold a special place in your heart that no other person can rival. You become one as you commit and share your lives with each other. This is God’s design for marriage and what each of us strives for daily.

Does this describe your marriage? Perhaps you don’t feel this way and think you have good reasons for that. Maybe only you know the level of disrespect you get from your spouse. You may even blame them for some of your attitudes and behavior. But love sees it differently. No matter what, it chooses to act positively and honor. Love continues to treat them respectfully, even when it is rejected and receives an ungrateful attitude in return. Remember, “God demonstrates His own love in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

It is beautiful and biblically correct when both partners honor each another. Romans 12:10 says, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” If your attempts go unreciprocated, be assertive and pursue resolution while continuing to be honorable. Under all circumstances, follow God’s plan for a better marriage by loving and honoring them. This will strengthen your marriage and create an atmosphere that leads your heart to truly love your spouse more. This is the beauty of honor.

"Love Takes Delight"

The media constantly bombards us with what is attractive, what is hot and what you need. Models and movie stars are used to influence our definition of beauty and love. Fortunately, you don’t have to waste your life embracing their unrealistic standards. You, not the rest of the world, get to determine what is appealing and beautiful. God has given you a priceless treasure, your spouse, along with the opportunity to take delight in them.

Newlyweds feel their love. With fresh affections and the hope of an unending romantic future, they find joy in each other. The good news is that no matter how long you have been married, something just as powerful is available - the decision to delight in your spouse. Choosing to do so is not only as strong as the love that a newlywed feels, but it is a more mature love because its eyes are wide open. And it sees a beauty in our spouse that never fades, but grows deeper and richer as we age.

The Bible is full of love stories – including the Song of Songs, an entire book of poetic love. Though its mystery and meaning has been debated, it clearly portrays two lovers taking delight in one another. Furthermore, it shows God’s approval of romantic love, who after all was the creator of it. If the Song of Songs seems too mushy, then ponder Ecclesiastes 9:9 which says, “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love” or Proverbs 5:17, “Rejoice in the wife of your youth.”

Consider how much our Heavenly Father loves us and wants what is best for us. Delighting in our spouse is a blessing offered to us - but He also gives us choices. Love Dare repeatedly emphasizes the need to lead our heart, not follow it. If we fail to heed this advice, we become vulnerable to societal influences. Emotions and selfishness may overtake us, which in turn can lead to comparing the weaknesses of our spouse against the strengths of others. We must avoid buying into what the world is peddling and instead, commit to rediscovering what we love about our spouse.

We are not born with predestined preferences that control our lives. Each person gets to choose what they treasure. Decide that your spouse is one you will love and enjoy. Prize their God-given uniqueness and delight in who they are. Lovingly accept their quirks and faults with patience and kindness. The Bible does not tell us to marry the one we love, but it does say to love the one we marry!

"Love Fights Fair."

Today, we continue examining marital conflict. This Love Dare chapter begins with a few previously covered “after the wedding changes”, such as discovering our spouse's flaws and how the “storms of life” challenge us. These set the stage for conflict, which every couple experiences to some degree. Today's message is not about driving all conflict out of your marriage; instead it is centered on healthier ways to handle it.

During conflict, we are at great risk for damaging our marriage or hurting our partner. It is when our pride is strongest, our anger is hottest and we are most selfish. Our words can be like poison, and we are vulnerable to making bad decisions.

But love can intervene. Love reminds us that our marriage is too value to destroy – and that love for our spouse is more important than whatever we are fighting about. It steers us back on course and can actually lead to greater unity, not less. Couples who successfully handle conflict tend to be deeper connected, more trusting and more intimate.

Learning how to “fight fair” through rules of engagement is key. These help guide our response in heated situations. There are two basic sets: “we” boundaries and “me” boundaries.

“We” boundaries are agreed upon principles which either spouse can gently apply during an argument. Taking time to establish these when you’re not in the midst of conflict can be a significant investment in the health of your marriage. Examples include:

1. Never mention divorce.

2. Do not bring up unrelated items from the past.

3. Never fight in public or in front of children.

4. Either spouse can call a time out if the conflict becomes unsafe.

5. Never threaten or touch your spouse in a harmful way.

6. Never go to bed angry with one another.

7. Failure is not an option. We will do whatever it takes to work it out.

“Me” boundaries are rules you follow on your own, such as

1. Listen before speaking. James 1:19 says “Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” This means respectfully asking questions instead of making assumptions or unleashing accusations.

2. Openly deal with your own issues. Matthew 7:3 reminds us not to look at the speck in another’s eye while ignoring the log in ours. If you find you are wrong, admitting it and apologizing can relieve the tension.

3. Speak calmly and gently (Proverbs 15:1). If you remain calm, it is likely your spouse will also stay calm. Let how you speak reflect love, regardless of what the argument is about.

Fighting fair means changing our weapons. Learn to disagree with dignity and to build bridges instead of burning them down. Love is not a fight — but it is always worth fighting for!

"Love Lets the Other Win"

Today’s and next week’s “Love fights fair” messages address an important issue present in every marriage — conflict. The Kendricks begin by noting that if asked to name areas where we disagree with our spouse, each of us could likely generate a list without much effort. The sad news is unless someone gives in, these same issues keep popping up. The reality is we are all stubborn to some degree. This is a common byproduct of being raised to ‘defend our rights’ and is highly promoted in today’s society.

Stubbornness is not always bad. Some things are worth fighting for, including moral standards and obedience to God. Major decisions on issues such as work, children, faith and lifestyle also warrant serious and sometimes difficult discussion. But too often, we quarrel over trivial issues. This not only leads to frustration, but can be detrimental as it steals time, happiness and productivity.

Refusing to compromise is like driving with the parking brakes on. We need the opposite of stubbornness to overcome stalemates — an attitude of willingness. Philippians 2:6-8 reveals the perfect example of Christ who became human, chose to serve, laid down his life and endured the cross. Preceding this, verses 4-5 call us to “look after the interests of others” and to have the “attitude of Christ”. One of willingness, flexibility and humble submission. One that lays down our rights for the good of others.

Let’s apply this to marriage. As long as you and your spouse remain entrenched in your position, the argument continues. But as soon as one is willing to yield to their partner, the argument is over. It may cost you some pride and discomfort, but view it as a loving, long-term investment in your marriage. And if you fear looking foolish or losing control by surrendering, ask yourself whether the issue is more important than your marriage or your spouse’s sense of worth.

Instead of treating your spouse like an enemy or someone to be guarded against, treat them as your closest, most honored friend. Resist always insisting on your own way when you disagree. Even if their view seems wrong or unwise, listen and give it full consideration. It shows you value their opinion and truly care. Graciously offer your perspective so both of you may gain a better understanding of the issue and of each other.

We won’t always see eye to eye. God doesn’t create duplicates; rather He calls us to listen and learn from our differences. Are you willing to compromise and lay down your pride to demonstrate love to your spouse? Ask yourself what really matters from an “eternal perspective” and you may discover the answer is giving up your rights to bring honor and delight to the one you love. It will likely be good for you, your marriage and the way to a greater victory!

"Love Cherishes," Part 3

Gary Thomas says Cherish is “The one word that changes everything for your marriage”. We conclude our theme by looking at a few more examples from his book.

To cherish, we must treasure our spouses as unique individuals. A cherishing marriage is built on intimate understanding, not stereotypes. Every spouse enters marriage with a unique story, personality and way of responding to circumstances. Cherishing means we don’t judge; rather we recognize and appreciate this while seeking to understand and support them.

Cherish also indulges your spouse. Ezekiel tells how God cherished Israel when she was nothing and made her into his beautiful bride. We follow God’s example by cherishing our spouse, even when others don’t understand why. We accept, nurture and even indulge them until their beauty becomes apparent to all. Cherishing helps heal their wounds and lifts them higher.

Cherish means protecting our spouse’s sense of worth and value. This includes going to war against forces which assault our marriage. Dr. Gottman contends that contempt is the biggest threat and explains why. James 3:2 says, “We all stumble in many ways.” Failure to give our spouse grace when this happens leads to disappointment. If unresolved, frustration sets in, followed by bitterness and finally contempt. Ultimately, contempt will unleash a relational death spiral. But if we choose to cherish, we fight against contempt instead of our spouse. Thankfulness is a powerful weapon in this battle. Show gratitude for who they are and what they give rather than dwell on their faults. Notice and express the excellence you see in them.

The ‘Art of Cherishing’ requires an intentional mindset. Here are some steps to accomplish this:

• Use your mind to change your heart. Take control by rejecting the negative and choosing the positive.

• Sacrifice for your spouse. This shapes your heart and lays the groundwork for cherishing.

• Let your spouse know that you need them. This makes them feel valuable and cherished.

• Make your spouse’s dreams come true. Like love, cherish is built on all the little things. But occasionally, go big by doing something extra special for them.

• Watch and delight. When situations arise where your spouse is showcased, sit back and drink it in.

• Conserve energy. An overly busy life and/or one filled with addictions are enemies of cherishing.

Final thought. Through biblical cherishing, we empower our spouse to become who God called them to be. In the process, we also see ourselves becoming what we are called to be. This results in a marriage that is more precious, more connected and more satisfying. God, who cherishes the imperfect you, is ready to teach and lead you to cherish your imperfect spouse.

Bonus material: If you want more, Gary’s “Cherish” video series is available on RightNow Media

http://www.rightnowmedia.org/Content/Series/402713

"Love Cherishes," Part 2

I am excited to share material from Gary Thomas on cherishing. Perhaps you recall that he visited and spoke at Bethesda in October 2019. He released a book in 2017 titled “Cherish”, which is also the topic of his most recent lecture series.

Gary begins by examining the traditional wedding vow to “love and cherish”. We may focus on love, but often neglect or don’t understand what it means to cherish. Love can be thought of as the ‘foundational’ aspect of marriage. It is defined and celebrated in 1 Corinthians 13:4–8. Love is about commitment. Cherish is the ‘tasting’ aspect — that something extra which can take a marriage to a higher level. Its nature is revealed in the Song of Songs. Cherish is about passion and delight.

Showcasing your spouse is another feature. Gary suggests viewing love as the athletics of marriage while cherish is the ballet. The couples dance is often the highlight of a ballet. What makes it special is how the male dancer supports and stabilizes the female dancer as she does beautiful twists and turns that she could never do on her own. He purposefully showcases her beauty and lets her glow in the spotlight while he quietly performs in the background. This is what cherishing looks like.

To cherish is to hold someone dear. As an illustration, Gary takes us back to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. He encourages us to see our spouse as though they were the only woman or man in the world. He’s not saying they are perfect; rather we avoid the trap of comparing them to others. They become our definition of beauty, even as they age. This represents a significant departure from society’s posture.

Cherish means noticing and honoring your spouse. Romans 12:10 calls us to “Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.” Though not specifically written for marriage, Christians called to follow this and doing so should begin with our spouse. Furthermore, marriage expert Dr. Joel Gottman notes that, “Without honor, all the marriage skills one can learn won’t work.” He also talks about ‘catching bids’ – an attempt to garner your partner’s attention. These routine and seemingly mundane actions are often based on something we read, heard, saw or thought. Yet these thrown bids are in essence asking, “Do you still cherish me?” The key lies not in their content, but how we respond. We can ignore our partner's bids or we can notice and honor them. Not surprisingly, high response rates correlate directly with marital happiness and longevity.

Next week, we will finish looking at what Gary Thomas has to say about cherishing. Meanwhile, I encourage you to reflect on what we covered and search for ways to truly cherish your spouse.

Fred

"Love Cherishes," Part 1

We begin exploring an intriguing theme today - “Love cherishes”. I will use two sources to look at this from different angles, the first coming from “The Love Dare”.

The Kendricks start with a story of two men. One has an old car that frequently needs repairs. When told it requires a complete overhaul, he decides it is not worth any further investment. He parts with it and gets a new one.

The second man has his hand mangled in an accident. He is rushed to the hospital where he is willing to do whatever it takes to preserve it, including a painful recovery and spending his life savings.

Both men made seemingly reasonable choices. Unfortunately, the world often treats marriage like the first scenario — a discardable possession. If you frequently suffer relational problems, society urges you to ‘trade in’ your spouse for someone else. This view fails to appreciate the bond between a husband and wife.

Christian marriage is like the second scenario. Rather than lose something valuable, we do whatever we can to save it. Your spouse should be viewed this way because God joined the two of you to become one — physically, emotionally and spiritually. Relationships often start this way, however things can change as you become aware of being married to an imperfect spouse. But they are still a part of you.

Ephesians 5:28-29 (ESV) says, “Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves his own self; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it.” This is addressed to husbands, however wives should remember they too vowed to “love and cherish”. Biblical cherishing is a special type of caring, similar to that of a mother warming her newborn baby. One way this can be shown is by speaking our spouse’s 'love language’. Kind words, unselfish acts of love and even physical touches are possible examples.

But there is also a downside. If you mistreat your spouse, you are mistreating yourself as well. What they feel, good or bad, will affect you. Attacking them is like attacking your own body.

You and your spouse are one. If your spouse is suffering with issues that cause pain or frustration, then love and cherish them as you would a bodily injury. Be an instrument that helps bring warmth and healing to their life. Remember to love them as you love yourself. Treat them well, speak highly of them and cherish them as the love of your life.

Next week, we will hear what Gary Thomas has to say about cherishing. I like saving the best for last!

Fred

Semester Break

Allow me to explain today’s ‘topic detour’. We completed the tenth of the 40 Love Dare chapters last week… one quarter of the material. If this were a two year course, it would be the end of the first semester of the first year. Here are the themes we have studied, which can be individually sent to anyone wishing to read them again:

1. Love is patient

2. Love is kind

3. Love is not selfish

4. Love is thoughtful

5. Love is not rude

6. Love is not irritable

7. Love believes the best

8. Love is not jealous

9. Love makes good impressions

10. Love is unconditional

I have three reasons for this break. First, it provides an opportunity to reflect on what has been covered and assess how well you are doing. I freely admit having room for improvement in every area.

This leads into the next reason — a personal story. During an Art of Marriage planning session three years ago, I shared some marital frustrations with Pastor Brian. It stemmed from my not wife ‘not acting as I felt she should’. After patiently listening, he softly said, “Learn to love her where she is at.” This seemingly simple statement is one of the greatest pieces of advice I have ever received. Looking back, I now realize how my attitude conflicted with multiple themes listed above – especially selfishness and a lack of unconditional love.

My final reason is also personal, but of a different nature. I have felt called to help grow marriage ministry at Bethesda the past few years. The results have been mixed. This series was designed to encourage marriage building in a user-friendly, yet effective way. Many signed up, but with minimal feedback, I often feel that I am writing in a vacuum. Much of this is pandemic related because personal interactions are limited, plus I regrettably do not know a few people on this Email list. It would be beneficial knowing if you find this resource helpful along with any suggestions or criticisms. I ask this not to receive praise; rather to improve this series as well as develop future marriage ministry programs. If you are willing, please respond via Email.

I close by encouraging you to remember Pastor Brian’s sage advice, especially when times are tough, on learning to “Love your spouse where they are at”. I also pray that this material has been and will continue to be a blessing to you. Thank you for your continued interest and support.

Fred

"Love is Unconditional," Part 2

Last week, we saw how fickle phileo and eros love can be. Today we will deeper explore agape love and draw some comparisons. Agape love is unselfish, unstoppable and unconditional. It is based on choice and commitment, not feelings. Trials, temptations and time can destroy a marriage unless it is built on this. Agape love is the only kind that is lasting, unchanging and true.

I often draw your attention to Love Dare themes that stem from 1 Corinthians 13. You won’t find “Love is unconditional” in any translations, yet the sum of all the qualities mentioned in verses 4-7 defines unconditional love. That’s because agape love is God’s kind of love.

The Kendricks note that God does not love us because we are loveable or worthy. He chooses to do so because He is all loving. It is unconditional to the point where we can do nothing to make him love us any more or less. Additionally, Romans 8:38-39 tells us that nothing can separate us from His love. This does not mean however that He loves or approves of our sins. 1 John Chapter 4 beautifully describes God’s love and I strongly encourage you to read it.

Now let’s look at something different. If a spouse says, “I no longer love you,” they are actually acknowledging that they never unconditionally loved you from the beginning. The love was built on feelings or circumstances rather than commitment. This happens when a marriage is built on phileo or eros love. It once again points out the weakness of relying on friendship and/or sexual attraction, which can enhance but not sustain a marriage. Unconditional love is necessary because it cannot be swayed. The good news is that a relationship initially based on a different kind of love can be restored and redeemed. If you rebuild on a foundation of agape love, friendship and romance can become even better.

To build this kind of love in your marriage, you must first turn to God and receive His love. “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). So remember, always go vertical (to God) before going horizontal (to others). A love that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7) does not come from within. It only comes from God. Thankfully, this can become your kind of love if you ask for and receive it. Once you receive God’s love and share it, you can confidently live with your spouse regardless of feelings or circumstances. And in doing so, “I love you because” will be replaced by “I love you, period!”

"Love is Unconditional," Part 1

If asked why we love our spouse, each of us could generate a unique, multifaceted and hopefully long list of reasons. It would likely include a variety of physical characteristics, personality traits and things that they do. But what if, over time, your spouse stopped being every one of those things? Would you still love them? The logical response would be “no” because your basis for love is gone. Perhaps you feel this conclusion is far-fetched and disagree with it, which is fine. But look at the broader picture of how this scenario, in combination with society’s endorsement to pursue personal happiness, contributes to high divorce rates.

My first message, “Introduction” sent June 26, mentioned that marriage is a covenant, not a contract. The above example has conditions, just like a contract. But a covenant is based on real love. And the only way it can last a lifetime is if it is unconditional. Lasting love is not determined by the one being loved, but instead by the one choosing to love.

The Bible uses the Greek word Agape for this form of love. “The Four Loves”, written by C.S. Lewis in 1960, identifies the following types:

1. Storge – ‘Empathy bond’. The love of a parent for their child is an example.

2. Phileo – ‘Friendship bond’. This is the love between close friends.

3. Eros – Also known as romantic or sexual love.

4. Agape – ‘Charity love’. This is the love that exists regardless of changing circumstances.

Phileo and eros play important roles, but neither provides a strong enough foundation to sustain a marriage. These are ‘feelings based’ and therefore subject to change. When people talk about “falling in love”, it is often phileo and/or eros related. This is what usually leads us to get married, but we were mostly ‘in love’ with the feeling of being loved. It is also possible to fall in and out of love with others, even when married, which is why you must guard your heart. Finally, you can fall in and out of love with your spouse multiple times throughout your life - often related to your investment in the relationship and how things are going. This experience can be rekindled and even enjoyed, but it should not determine your commitment to your marriage.

Next week, we will examine Agape love. Until then, I challenge you with the following:

• Meditate on the nature of unconditional love.

• Evaluate how well you do this. Remember, assess only your role and resist judging your spouse.

• Identify areas where you can improve.

• If the above motivates you to change, ask God to show you the way.

Have a ‘lovely’ week!
Fred

"Love Makes Good Impressions"

“Love makes good impressions” examines a slightly different theme — one about greetings. A greeting provides an opportunity to show our feelings and respect for someone. 1 Peter 5:14 provides good context: “Greet one another with a kiss of love.” Pastor Kirk’s recent sermon mentioned how this was a common practice in the early church. We recognize the significance of a first impression, so how we greet someone will set the stage for what follows.

The way a couple greets each other tells a lot about the current state of their marriage. What do you and your spouse reveal about your relationship through your greetings? Is it caring? Does it make your spouse look forward to seeing you? Some people avoid warm greetings, claiming they don’t want to be insincere. But there are reasons to make a good impression. Anyone can speak kindly to people they like, but Christians are to treat our enemies this way. Furthermore, we are to be kind to others even when we don’t feel that way.

If we cheerfully greet friends, coworkers, neighbors and even those we don’t like, shouldn’t we do this all the more for our spouse? Think about the difference of greeting them in a way that conveys, “You are priceless to me” as opposed to “You are tolerated by me.” Contemplate how your spouse would feel if you expressed that you were truly glad to see and be with them. A good greeting sets the stage for positive interactions. It puts wind in their sails.

An excellent biblical example is the story of the prodigal son. The last thing the son expected upon his return was to be greeted warmly by his father. What kind of greeting would cause your spouse to feel that way? Pay attention not only to the words you choose, but also your tone of voice and body language. Perhaps it may even include a kiss, hug or an affectionate touch. In addition, look for opportunities to greet your spouse throughout the day. It doesn’t always have to be elaborate — just a simple, yet genuine expression of your caring can make a big difference.

I suspect most of us, myself included, don’t always pay attention as to how we greet others. The Kendricks end this chapter by asking if you do it well and whether your spouse feels loved and appreciated by it. Even when things are tough, you can improve the situation with a kind greeting. Remember, love is a choice. So choose to greet them at “Hello!”

God bless and see you next week.

Fred

"Love is Not Jealous"

Love Dare was not written to follow 1 Corinthians 13, yet many themes come from it, including today’s “Love is not jealous.” It is also worth mentioning that Paul did not write this famous chapter exclusively for marriage. He wrote it to address numerous problems in Corinthian church, including jealousy.

Proverbs 27:4 describes jealousy as one of the fiercest emotions. The Kendrick brothers actually describe two forms – one legitimate; one illegitimate. Legitimate jealousy is based on love. It can happen when your spouse turns their heart away from you and replaces it with something else. Obvious examples can include an affair or pornography. But I would suggest anything beyond our love for God which ‘over-consumes’ our attention might qualify as well. Excessive devotion to work, hobbies, children, friends, etc. may generate legitimate jealousy in a spouse.

An even greater illustration is God’s righteous jealousy for us. He alone is our greatest hope and can satisfy all our needs. He cares for us, knows what is best for us and desires us to love him more than anything.

Now let’s look at illegitimate jealousy, which stands in opposition of love. This is yet another negative trait rooted in selfishness. Simply defined, it results from not getting something we want. If we don’t learn how to combat jealousy through love, it will poison our heart and lead to trouble. Scripture notes that envy can result in fighting, quarreling and everything evil (James 3:16; 4:1-2).

In Christian marriage, two become one. We become a team that is called to encourage and support each other. But when selfishness rules, jealousy may creep in and infect the oneness of our marriage. We become adversaries instead of teammates.

Here is a different example. Sometimes we envy, or perhaps even covet, other ‘happy marriages’. We may think, “Why can’t my marriage (or spouse) be like that?” First, know that what we perceive is often untrue. Seemingly happy couples often have problems we are unaware of and they may be worse than ours. Second, just as God creates each person uniquely, each marriage is designed to be one of a kind. So if you harbor jealousy of other couples, something I’ve been guilty of in the past, realize it is both wrong and a waste of time. Copying is not God’s plan!

Real love is unselfish and puts others first, therefore it does not tolerate jealousy. It will celebrate rather than envy our spouse's success. And it also sees them as completing us, not competing against us. So let love, humility and gratefulness destroy any jealousy within your heart. Strive to become your spouse’s greatest cheerleader!

Fred

"Love Believes the Best," Part 3

Welcome back to the allegory of two rooms that lie deep within our heart. Part 1 introduced the Appreciation Room, followed by last week’s sobering look at the Depreciation Room. Today, we wrap up by examining choices we face between the two.

Here is the truth: Love knows about the Depreciation Room, but chooses not to live there. Love comes from God (1 John 4:7), so in seeking His design for marriage, we must follow the ways of love. We need to stop running to the Depreciation Room after every disappointment. Failure to do so robs a marriage of joy and puts it at risk. Love calls you to think and act differently. The only reason to peak into the Depreciation Room is to know how to pray for your spouse. And when you go there, write on the walls in huge letters “COVERED IN LOVE”.

Allow me to rephrase our opening theme verse from 1 Corinthians 13:7 — “Love chooses to believe the best and hope the best.” We resist snap judgements and negative assumptions. We give others the benefit of the doubt. And should the worst come true, we deal with it as positively as possible.

Bob Lepine adds that love is tenacious like a Bulldog. It doesn’t blindly believe, but it remains optimistic and fights for our marriage. Our spouse needs the encouragement of our believing and remaining hopeful, even in adversity or when they have lost all hope. We give this as a gift — not because they provide us a reason to do so, rather as a reflection of our faith in God.

Jesus declared that He is the light of the world, but people loved the darkness rather than the light. The Apostle Paul likewise notes our tendency to live by the flesh instead of the spirit. Our human nature is to follow the sinful desires of our heart, but we are called to live in the light. This means leading your heart to truly love your spouse. This means living in the Appreciation Room. It’s time to stop dwelling on their negatives and concentrate instead on positives. In doing so, you will likely uncover hidden talents and dreams that are waiting to be explored.

The decision is yours alone — and one you must make whether they deserve it or not. Remember that we are all undeserving of God’s love and grace, yet He does so anyway. As a follower of Christ, you are called to show unconditional love and grace to others. I encourage you to pray for God’s strength to do this for your spouse, especially in difficult times.

Amen!