Semester Break

Allow me to explain today’s ‘topic detour’. We completed the tenth of the 40 Love Dare chapters last week… one quarter of the material. If this were a two year course, it would be the end of the first semester of the first year. Here are the themes we have studied, which can be individually sent to anyone wishing to read them again:

1. Love is patient

2. Love is kind

3. Love is not selfish

4. Love is thoughtful

5. Love is not rude

6. Love is not irritable

7. Love believes the best

8. Love is not jealous

9. Love makes good impressions

10. Love is unconditional

I have three reasons for this break. First, it provides an opportunity to reflect on what has been covered and assess how well you are doing. I freely admit having room for improvement in every area.

This leads into the next reason — a personal story. During an Art of Marriage planning session three years ago, I shared some marital frustrations with Pastor Brian. It stemmed from my not wife ‘not acting as I felt she should’. After patiently listening, he softly said, “Learn to love her where she is at.” This seemingly simple statement is one of the greatest pieces of advice I have ever received. Looking back, I now realize how my attitude conflicted with multiple themes listed above – especially selfishness and a lack of unconditional love.

My final reason is also personal, but of a different nature. I have felt called to help grow marriage ministry at Bethesda the past few years. The results have been mixed. This series was designed to encourage marriage building in a user-friendly, yet effective way. Many signed up, but with minimal feedback, I often feel that I am writing in a vacuum. Much of this is pandemic related because personal interactions are limited, plus I regrettably do not know a few people on this Email list. It would be beneficial knowing if you find this resource helpful along with any suggestions or criticisms. I ask this not to receive praise; rather to improve this series as well as develop future marriage ministry programs. If you are willing, please respond via Email.

I close by encouraging you to remember Pastor Brian’s sage advice, especially when times are tough, on learning to “Love your spouse where they are at”. I also pray that this material has been and will continue to be a blessing to you. Thank you for your continued interest and support.

Fred

"Love is Unconditional," Part 2

Last week, we saw how fickle phileo and eros love can be. Today we will deeper explore agape love and draw some comparisons. Agape love is unselfish, unstoppable and unconditional. It is based on choice and commitment, not feelings. Trials, temptations and time can destroy a marriage unless it is built on this. Agape love is the only kind that is lasting, unchanging and true.

I often draw your attention to Love Dare themes that stem from 1 Corinthians 13. You won’t find “Love is unconditional” in any translations, yet the sum of all the qualities mentioned in verses 4-7 defines unconditional love. That’s because agape love is God’s kind of love.

The Kendricks note that God does not love us because we are loveable or worthy. He chooses to do so because He is all loving. It is unconditional to the point where we can do nothing to make him love us any more or less. Additionally, Romans 8:38-39 tells us that nothing can separate us from His love. This does not mean however that He loves or approves of our sins. 1 John Chapter 4 beautifully describes God’s love and I strongly encourage you to read it.

Now let’s look at something different. If a spouse says, “I no longer love you,” they are actually acknowledging that they never unconditionally loved you from the beginning. The love was built on feelings or circumstances rather than commitment. This happens when a marriage is built on phileo or eros love. It once again points out the weakness of relying on friendship and/or sexual attraction, which can enhance but not sustain a marriage. Unconditional love is necessary because it cannot be swayed. The good news is that a relationship initially based on a different kind of love can be restored and redeemed. If you rebuild on a foundation of agape love, friendship and romance can become even better.

To build this kind of love in your marriage, you must first turn to God and receive His love. “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). So remember, always go vertical (to God) before going horizontal (to others). A love that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7) does not come from within. It only comes from God. Thankfully, this can become your kind of love if you ask for and receive it. Once you receive God’s love and share it, you can confidently live with your spouse regardless of feelings or circumstances. And in doing so, “I love you because” will be replaced by “I love you, period!”

"Love is Unconditional," Part 1

If asked why we love our spouse, each of us could generate a unique, multifaceted and hopefully long list of reasons. It would likely include a variety of physical characteristics, personality traits and things that they do. But what if, over time, your spouse stopped being every one of those things? Would you still love them? The logical response would be “no” because your basis for love is gone. Perhaps you feel this conclusion is far-fetched and disagree with it, which is fine. But look at the broader picture of how this scenario, in combination with society’s endorsement to pursue personal happiness, contributes to high divorce rates.

My first message, “Introduction” sent June 26, mentioned that marriage is a covenant, not a contract. The above example has conditions, just like a contract. But a covenant is based on real love. And the only way it can last a lifetime is if it is unconditional. Lasting love is not determined by the one being loved, but instead by the one choosing to love.

The Bible uses the Greek word Agape for this form of love. “The Four Loves”, written by C.S. Lewis in 1960, identifies the following types:

1. Storge – ‘Empathy bond’. The love of a parent for their child is an example.

2. Phileo – ‘Friendship bond’. This is the love between close friends.

3. Eros – Also known as romantic or sexual love.

4. Agape – ‘Charity love’. This is the love that exists regardless of changing circumstances.

Phileo and eros play important roles, but neither provides a strong enough foundation to sustain a marriage. These are ‘feelings based’ and therefore subject to change. When people talk about “falling in love”, it is often phileo and/or eros related. This is what usually leads us to get married, but we were mostly ‘in love’ with the feeling of being loved. It is also possible to fall in and out of love with others, even when married, which is why you must guard your heart. Finally, you can fall in and out of love with your spouse multiple times throughout your life - often related to your investment in the relationship and how things are going. This experience can be rekindled and even enjoyed, but it should not determine your commitment to your marriage.

Next week, we will examine Agape love. Until then, I challenge you with the following:

• Meditate on the nature of unconditional love.

• Evaluate how well you do this. Remember, assess only your role and resist judging your spouse.

• Identify areas where you can improve.

• If the above motivates you to change, ask God to show you the way.

Have a ‘lovely’ week!
Fred

"Love Makes Good Impressions"

“Love makes good impressions” examines a slightly different theme — one about greetings. A greeting provides an opportunity to show our feelings and respect for someone. 1 Peter 5:14 provides good context: “Greet one another with a kiss of love.” Pastor Kirk’s recent sermon mentioned how this was a common practice in the early church. We recognize the significance of a first impression, so how we greet someone will set the stage for what follows.

The way a couple greets each other tells a lot about the current state of their marriage. What do you and your spouse reveal about your relationship through your greetings? Is it caring? Does it make your spouse look forward to seeing you? Some people avoid warm greetings, claiming they don’t want to be insincere. But there are reasons to make a good impression. Anyone can speak kindly to people they like, but Christians are to treat our enemies this way. Furthermore, we are to be kind to others even when we don’t feel that way.

If we cheerfully greet friends, coworkers, neighbors and even those we don’t like, shouldn’t we do this all the more for our spouse? Think about the difference of greeting them in a way that conveys, “You are priceless to me” as opposed to “You are tolerated by me.” Contemplate how your spouse would feel if you expressed that you were truly glad to see and be with them. A good greeting sets the stage for positive interactions. It puts wind in their sails.

An excellent biblical example is the story of the prodigal son. The last thing the son expected upon his return was to be greeted warmly by his father. What kind of greeting would cause your spouse to feel that way? Pay attention not only to the words you choose, but also your tone of voice and body language. Perhaps it may even include a kiss, hug or an affectionate touch. In addition, look for opportunities to greet your spouse throughout the day. It doesn’t always have to be elaborate — just a simple, yet genuine expression of your caring can make a big difference.

I suspect most of us, myself included, don’t always pay attention as to how we greet others. The Kendricks end this chapter by asking if you do it well and whether your spouse feels loved and appreciated by it. Even when things are tough, you can improve the situation with a kind greeting. Remember, love is a choice. So choose to greet them at “Hello!”

God bless and see you next week.

Fred

"Love is Not Jealous"

Love Dare was not written to follow 1 Corinthians 13, yet many themes come from it, including today’s “Love is not jealous.” It is also worth mentioning that Paul did not write this famous chapter exclusively for marriage. He wrote it to address numerous problems in Corinthian church, including jealousy.

Proverbs 27:4 describes jealousy as one of the fiercest emotions. The Kendrick brothers actually describe two forms – one legitimate; one illegitimate. Legitimate jealousy is based on love. It can happen when your spouse turns their heart away from you and replaces it with something else. Obvious examples can include an affair or pornography. But I would suggest anything beyond our love for God which ‘over-consumes’ our attention might qualify as well. Excessive devotion to work, hobbies, children, friends, etc. may generate legitimate jealousy in a spouse.

An even greater illustration is God’s righteous jealousy for us. He alone is our greatest hope and can satisfy all our needs. He cares for us, knows what is best for us and desires us to love him more than anything.

Now let’s look at illegitimate jealousy, which stands in opposition of love. This is yet another negative trait rooted in selfishness. Simply defined, it results from not getting something we want. If we don’t learn how to combat jealousy through love, it will poison our heart and lead to trouble. Scripture notes that envy can result in fighting, quarreling and everything evil (James 3:16; 4:1-2).

In Christian marriage, two become one. We become a team that is called to encourage and support each other. But when selfishness rules, jealousy may creep in and infect the oneness of our marriage. We become adversaries instead of teammates.

Here is a different example. Sometimes we envy, or perhaps even covet, other ‘happy marriages’. We may think, “Why can’t my marriage (or spouse) be like that?” First, know that what we perceive is often untrue. Seemingly happy couples often have problems we are unaware of and they may be worse than ours. Second, just as God creates each person uniquely, each marriage is designed to be one of a kind. So if you harbor jealousy of other couples, something I’ve been guilty of in the past, realize it is both wrong and a waste of time. Copying is not God’s plan!

Real love is unselfish and puts others first, therefore it does not tolerate jealousy. It will celebrate rather than envy our spouse's success. And it also sees them as completing us, not competing against us. So let love, humility and gratefulness destroy any jealousy within your heart. Strive to become your spouse’s greatest cheerleader!

Fred

"Love Believes the Best," Part 3

Welcome back to the allegory of two rooms that lie deep within our heart. Part 1 introduced the Appreciation Room, followed by last week’s sobering look at the Depreciation Room. Today, we wrap up by examining choices we face between the two.

Here is the truth: Love knows about the Depreciation Room, but chooses not to live there. Love comes from God (1 John 4:7), so in seeking His design for marriage, we must follow the ways of love. We need to stop running to the Depreciation Room after every disappointment. Failure to do so robs a marriage of joy and puts it at risk. Love calls you to think and act differently. The only reason to peak into the Depreciation Room is to know how to pray for your spouse. And when you go there, write on the walls in huge letters “COVERED IN LOVE”.

Allow me to rephrase our opening theme verse from 1 Corinthians 13:7 — “Love chooses to believe the best and hope the best.” We resist snap judgements and negative assumptions. We give others the benefit of the doubt. And should the worst come true, we deal with it as positively as possible.

Bob Lepine adds that love is tenacious like a Bulldog. It doesn’t blindly believe, but it remains optimistic and fights for our marriage. Our spouse needs the encouragement of our believing and remaining hopeful, even in adversity or when they have lost all hope. We give this as a gift — not because they provide us a reason to do so, rather as a reflection of our faith in God.

Jesus declared that He is the light of the world, but people loved the darkness rather than the light. The Apostle Paul likewise notes our tendency to live by the flesh instead of the spirit. Our human nature is to follow the sinful desires of our heart, but we are called to live in the light. This means leading your heart to truly love your spouse. This means living in the Appreciation Room. It’s time to stop dwelling on their negatives and concentrate instead on positives. In doing so, you will likely uncover hidden talents and dreams that are waiting to be explored.

The decision is yours alone — and one you must make whether they deserve it or not. Remember that we are all undeserving of God’s love and grace, yet He does so anyway. As a follower of Christ, you are called to show unconditional love and grace to others. I encourage you to pray for God’s strength to do this for your spouse, especially in difficult times.

Amen!